Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

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Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby tsark » Thu Oct 13, 2011 10:26 pm

reposting this now that the youtube videos are actually in the correct topic, sorry about that!

Mr Lordi rested his head on one fist, elbow on the arm of his throne and let out a heavy sigh.
He was so damn bored!
He had been ruling in Hell for over five hundred years now and he was thoroughly fed up of the sound of tortured screams. Once you'd heard the first eighteen thousand you'd heard them all.
"Master? There are more souls to be approved for judgement."
"Damn it all." Mr Lordi muttered.
"Well, yes if you like, but we will need your signiature sir."
Lucifer was the ex-ruler of Hell. Since havign the ever-living snot kicked out of him he'd offered his services to Mr Lordi as his second in command.
Which translated as the demon running errands, checking paperwork and fetching drinks whenever required.
"Can't it wait? I'm sure letting them rot in bureacracy for a few millenia would be far worse than any passe torture your fiends could come up with."
"As you wish my lord." Lucifer tried to refrain from adding, 'I'd love to add you to the torture list you arrogant swine!'
Since coming to the underworld Mr Lordi had made some severe changes to Lucifer's original regime, meaning that souls were despatched quicker with the minimum of effort from the higher-ups and demons got a better deal than before, meaning a happier work force even if the souls suffering was increased, which no one cared about.
Of course, this infuriated the ex-lord who was unable to get support for a coup against the usurper, who settled into the role of ruler as if he'd been born to it.
Until the past few decades, when even Lucifer had noticed his growing disdain for the underworld.
Today, one of Mr Lordi's more loyal followers had also noticed his despondant mood. Unfortunately for the soul of Mr Theopalous, psycopath in life and suffering in death, he was going to help this loyal follower with his latest party trick.
"Never fear! Kita's here!" He cried happily, kicking open the door of the throne room. Mr Theopalous scrabbled desperately at the floor, not looking forward to Kita's idea of 'party trick'.
"Now's not the best time..." Mr Lordi began.
"Nah it's the perfect time!" The toothy minion grinned. "I've noticed you look a bit down in the dumps so me and this fella are going to provide some amazing entertainment!"
"Please don't hurt me!" Begged the human soul.
"Quiet you! Now, watch this, are you watching? A one, a two aaannnnd..." Kita thrust his hand into the back of the evil soul's neck, gripped the spinal coloumn and ripped the entire skeletal structure out of Mr Theopalous' skin in one smooth movement.
"Very impressive." Mr Lordi drawled, smiling despite himself while the leftover skin burbled unhappily on the floor in a pink puddle.
"I thought that one up all by myself!" Kita announced proudly, twirling the skeleton round by one finger through an eye socket.
"You can go for now." Mr Lordi dismissed the devil languidly.
"But...but there's still work that needs to be signed off..."
"And I'm completely fed up of it for today so you deal with it. Unless you want to stay and thank Kita for his entertainment?"
"I'd be happy to make a meal of you." The demonic samurai said, licking his teeth as he eyed the snivelling secretary.
Lucifer snapped his mouth closed before he gave his master any more bright ideas. "As you wish sir." He muttered, bowing formally and sidling through the throne room's main doors.
Kita dumped the bones into the puddle of skin on the floor and settled himself on the throne steps at his lord's feet.
"Well? What's up?"
"The ceiling." Mr Lordi grumbled.
"You're a laugh riot. Now tell me why you're all moody."
"I'm not moody, women get moody."
"I've always had my suspicions."
Mr Lordi snorted. It was hard to be annoyed with someone who could take the piss out of Hell.
"I don't know. All I know is I am seriously damn bored and I can't even take any enjoyment from this place."
"You have made a huge improvement." Kita agreed. "I remember when this was all brimstone and holes to the upper world all over the place. Those greek guys were in here so often we could have done with a revolving door, now look at it! Airtight!"
"Yes, airtight, no souls can get out, no mortals can get in. So there's nothing new. Nothing changes it's all" Mr Lordi kicked a pillar next to the throne causing the roof to shudder. "Boring!"
"Aah! I think I see the problem!"
"Really Dr Kita?"
Kita hopped up onto the throne and pushed his face within inches of Mr Lordi's. "You want to go up top!"
Mr Lordi glared at him. "You think I want to walk among mortals again? Those stinking half-dead creatures? Seriously?"
"Sure you do! You want a challenge! The only reason you're so bored is because no one down here would dare challenge you, you're the boss here and apart from me no one will even look you in the eye. Not everyone's as awesome as I am."
"You're so modest too." Mr Lordi drawled, shoving his friend's face away. "There was never any challenges from up there anyway. The humans just shuddered in their hovels hoping the trolls weren't abroad. They even succumbed to wolves for my sake!"
"That was then, haven't you been paying attention to the viewing portals?"
"What's the point? Sleep, eat screw. They don't do much else."
"Not till recently! They've been making leaps and bounds with this alchemy involving metal and lighting. They make stories appear in front of your eyes and they've made sex very interesting."
"You talk as if you've experienced all of this?" Mr Lordi asked, quirking an eyebrow at his mischeivous friend.
"Oh yes!" Kita said without an ounce of shame. "Many many times!"
Mr Lordi was curious, despite himself. Not about the sex, he had no interest in human women. Far too flimsy.
But this new alchemy sounded interesting, like hearing about an old magician who'd learnt a new never-before-seen trick. And as much as he hated to admit it, Kita was right. He hadn't been challenged in centuries and he certainly wan't ready to settle down and rule in Hell when he could be conquering unheard of realms.
Kita could always tell when he'd piqued his friend's interest. "So when are we going?" He asked, subtle as a brick to the face.
"Who said we're going anywhere?"
"I know that face, that's the 'Now I have an excuse to destroy things' face. And you know what happened last time you tried to keep me from a trip up there."
"I remember it took six demons eight years to clean the ceiling again. Fine, I'm interested. So how do we go about it? I can't exactly leave Hell unguarded."
"You can just leave that creepy little twerp in charge, he's done it before hasn't he? Just lay some ground rules, leave him a list of jobs and beat the living snot out of him until he agrees to do exactly what you tell him."
Mr Lordi threw back his head and roared with laughter, his mood improved a thousandfold at the prospect of a quest. "Let's go make a start then! I'll have to find my battleaxe first."
As the two left the throne room Mr Theopolaus finished tugging his skin back around his skeleton. He flipped his middle finger (which sagged a little at the end) at the door where the monsters had left, then turned to the side door, which stood just ajar.
"It worked," the soul called to the darkness. "They're going for it just like you said, do I get my reward now?"
A hidden figure grinned wickedly.
"All in good time my faithful servant, all in good time."
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby tsark » Sat Oct 15, 2011 1:32 am

Second chapter! Had a bit of a brainfart and had to let it out, 'scuse me!

Somewhere in a distant wilderness, with featureless landscapes and howling winds, a crack rumbled open beneath the permafrost. A few foraging creatures suddenly abandoned their quest for food and ran as fast as their little legs could carry them.
Even lemmings wouldn't throw themselves in front of this type of danger.
Kita thrust an arm up through the gap in the earth, gripping a small bush he pulled himself up to the surface and peered around to ensure the coast was clear before levering himself fully out of the hole.
"This looks a lot like home." He announced cheerily over his shoulder. Mr Lordi beat his leathery wings lazily until he had cleared the hole and landed next to his companion.
"Good for you. Before we go hunting down humans though I want to make a quick stop somewhere nearby."
"Ooh can we go get ice cream?"
Mr Lordi glowered at the red alien incredulously. "Are you fucking kidding me?"
"What? It's not like we get much chance for ice cream back in Hell now is it?"
Mr Lordi covered his face with his hand. "You are such an idiot."
"What? What have I done now?"
"Let's just get moving."
The two figures trudged through the snowy lands, wind tugging at their cloaks and hair. Beyond that the only sound to pierce the stilness was a lone voice.
"I spy with my little eye, something beginning wiiiiitttthhhhhh D."
"How do you get them so fast?"
"Because all you've picked for the last three hours is snow, dirt and 'that thing I can't get out of my ear'. Forgive me if this game is starting to get a little easy."
"Well someone's wearing their grumpy pants today!" Kita kicked moodily at the ground, then, grinning mischeiviously, bent and gathered two large handfuls together.
Mr Lordi strode confidently through the bracken, cutting an impressive figure right up until a large snowball smacked into the back of his head. He turned to his colleague, eyes glowing a deep and murderous red.
Kita raised his eyes innocently to the sky and pointed to a small rodent cowering on a rock. "He did it!"
With a roar Mr lordi lunged at Kita, claws out and teeth glinting in the weak sunlight. Kita spun round and bounded over the tussocks, giggling to himself as his friend attempted to capture and obliterate him.
"One would think this was hardly a manner befitting the lord of darkness." A voice intoned solemnly.
Mr Lordi paused in the act of throttling Kita, looking up at the newcomer with a slowly spreading smile.
"It's you." He breathed, releasing his alien friend who dropped like a stone to the frozen floor.
A large Reindeer with branching antlers stepped forward, a stately snowy owl perched on one of its points. "Indeed it is," the owl intoned. "We did not expect to see you again so soon boy."
"Boy?" Kita muttered incredulously.
"Poro the reindeer and Lilith the Owl," Mr Lordi explained. "They were the ones who raised me."
"Its astonishing you haven't needed therapy."
Mr Lordi gave Kita a quick shove, thrusting him into the dirt once more.
"I've come back, Hell is now under my dominion but...I can't help feeling that there is more for me here, in the mortal realms."
Lilith flapped her wings and clicked her beak. "Always you had to rule over everything, such a petulant child." Mr lordi said nothing, but held out his hand while the reindeer nuzzled his palm and seemed to be murmuring into it.
"I wanted to see you before we begin our journey into the new world, I need to retrieve Wilhelmina."
"Wilhelmina?" Kita cried incredulously. "We came on this huge detour because of a girl?"
Mr Lordi and the animals ignored him.
"She is where you left her, do you remember the way boy?"
"Yes, thank you my teacher, my friend. And it was good to see you again."
The reindeer lifted its head once more, its large brown eyes doleful and sad.
"Be wary child," the owl intoned, spreading her wings as if to keep her balance. "This is no longer the land you once knew. The old ones are all but gone, the age of man has begun and they are not a kind people."
Mr Lordi snorted. "I have no fear of men. They will soon learn to tremble at the sound of my name alone."
The reindeer turneed to leave. "I hope that what you say is true boy, I see much treachery in store for you, beware." With it's last ominous warning, the owl flew from Poro's antlers and soared into the sky, the reindeer bounding along underneath.
Mr Lordi watched them leave with a blank expression. Kita, now risen from the ground and brushing himself of dirt, peered after them.
"So we're goign after a woman now?"
Mr lordi gave a mischeivous grin. "Not just any woman." Before turning on his heel and striding towards a portal he had just opened.
"What is she hot? She's got something wrong with her hasn't she? Is she a huldra?? Aw dude I bet she is! I couldn't see you getting much better than one of them, or a troll maybe, her where are we now?"
The portal had spat them out in a deep dank cave that creaked and groaned with the weight of thousands of tonnes of stone and crystal. Embedded in a large rock just ahead of the travellers, was a battleaxe made of a shining silvery metal.
Ancient designs had been carved into it but centuries of use had worn them down into strange twists and bumps in the metal. the blades however, looked just as sharp as if they'd been newly made.
With one hand Mr Lordi hefted the weapon out of its resting place and held it close to his face for inspection. "Did you miss me beautiful?" He murmured.
"I don't believe it," Kita groaned. "We came here for a weapon? A weapon you called Wilhelmina?? Seriously?"
"This axe and I have been through a lot together, she'll take good care of us in a battle situation."
"Sure she will, they you are waving it around in one hand, oh yeah that's a real hefty piece of hardware you've got there."
"You wanna try swinging it round?" Mr Lordi asked with an evil grin. He held out the axe for Kita to take.
The alien snorted. "Like its sooooo hard to do." He wrapped his fingers around the handle and as soon as Mr Lordi released the weapon, tried not to scream as the axe increased in weight till it felt like a mountain was sitting on his now incredibly sore hand, trapped on the ground under the innocuous looking item.
"Wilhelmine knows who her daddy is." Mr Lordi said, smirking as he squatted down to pick it up again. "And she's gonna help us clear the way to victory."
"I'll never doubt her again." Kita said, impressed despite the sore fingers.
"Now we can see this age of man, and take it for our own."
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby tsark » Wed Oct 26, 2011 9:31 pm

Writing for me alone so I'm taking liberties with their origin stories :P even then you can probably guess who's next to appear! I'm going to introduce each of the Lordi members in a similar way if I can get my bum in gear and be bothered to so feel free to give critiques! even if it's just 'For Lordi's sake shut up already!'

After a small discussion in which Kita was hit several times and Mr Lordi’s patience was torn to pieces, the two monsters decided to aim for somewhere warmer with, as Kita put it, more women.
Mr Lordi decided to let fate play a part in their journey and used Wilhelmina to open a portal into another part of Earth, with the only stipulation being that the new destination would be warmer than their current one.
As Mr Lordi stepped through the shimmering portal he couldn’t help but get excited at the prospect of quite simply not knowing where he was about to go or what he would find when he got there.
He really hoped it would involve a battle of some kind.
What did hit him when he emerged from the portal was a wall of heat. Leaves blew past in flurries that danced around piles of rubble in the deserted region they had stepped into. Mr Lordi glared around with a growing feeling of annoyance, what the hell was this supposed to be?
“Well this doesn’t seem like the best place to pick up women.” Kita grumbled, looking around. “Did you make a wrong turn somewhere?”
Mr Lordi scowled. “The axe opens the portal which goes where I ask it to, in this case I was only hoping for something of interest, you were the one talking about women every two seconds.”
“Well it’s not like it worked did it? There’s nothing here! Just rocks and dirt and…”
“And me.” A voice behind them purred.
The two monsters spun round, immediately on the defence.
A woman’s face smirked down at them from atop a grassy hillock. This in itself wasn’t worrying, what was slightly worrying was the fact that the woman’s face sat on a lion’s body, which was padding at the ground and displaying it’s sharp claws while a pair of eagle wings on it’s back flexed in readiness for action.
“It’s been so long since I’ve had someone to play with, I hope to enjoy this.” She snickered, licking her lips.
“Well I was hoping something similar,” Kita drawled, eyeing the large creature. “I’ve never tasted Sphinx meat before but I’ll try anything once!”
Mr Lordi relaxed, smirking as he remembered some of the things his omnivorous friend had indeed tried in the past.
Unnerved by their reactions, the Sphinx drew herself up and tried to return the conversation to it’s traditional course. “If you wish to pass and cannot answer my riddle, you will be killed.” She snarled, striking an impressive pose.
Mr Lordi yawned widely and said “The answer is a human isn’t it?”
The sphinx blinked and went rigid with shock. “….what?.....”
“That’s the answer right? Can we go now? Only you’re not impressing anybody.”
“Oh I don’t know,” Kita said. “She could make an impressive meal!” He eyed the now quite worried creature with interest.
“Now, now look here!” She stammered, taking a couple of steps back. “I’m just doing my job, there’s no need to get violent!”
“You started it!”
“Like I say it’s my job! I’m an endangered species!”
“We can make sure you’re extinct if you like.”
“Tell you what,” Mr Lordi interrupted, stepping between the two creatures. “You tell us of anything interesting in the area and we just might go check it out as opposed to just killing you here and now. How does that sound?”
The sphinx eyed him warily, it sounded like a good offer to here but she was loathe to admit being weaker than any creature…there again, there was always him, and maybe they could kill each other off…
“I do apologise for the misunderstanding sirs,” she simpered, bowing her head a little towards the monsters. “Please allow me to make up for it by drawing your attention to the ruins over yonder,” the lion-woman waved a paw towards something which had huge crumbling walls and seemed to be as big as an amphitheatre.
“Those are what is left of the labyrinth of Androlus, a magus from these lands. Within he is said to have left the ultimate guardian to prevent thieves from stealing his treasures.”
“Cool!” Kita said. “What kind of treasures?”
“I don’t know,” the sphinx snapped. “I’m not going in there while I’ve got a job to do here! You want to find out what’s in there you go look!”
Mr Lordi turned to his friend. “I’ve heard enough, we’re going, eat her first if you like.”
“WHAT?!? You said you wouldn’t if I told you where to go!”
“I promised nothing.” Mr Lordi was already striding along the weed strewn path as Kita pulled out his sword and advanced on the now extremely nervous creature.
After a moment’s hesitation the Sphinx spread her wings high. “Screw it! No job’s worth this much hassle!” With that she flew straight up into the air, narrowly missing Kita’s first swipe.
“Come back here and get eaten like a real mythical beastie!” He roared at the retreating creature, which ignored him completely.
“Forget it Kita, let’s just get moving, I want to get some entertainment out of today before it’s over.”
Kita, grumbling and muttering to himself, sheathed his sword and trotted after his friend. Unbeknownst to either of them, a lone figure watched their approach from the high walls of the labyrinth. It growled softly to itself and tightened it’s fist around a large hammer, the same hammer that had killed every last trespasser that had been foolish enough to step into the stone maze.
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby tsark » Wed Jan 04, 2012 5:10 pm

Mr Lordi and Kita stood at the entrance of the Labyrinth and peered into the darkness.
"What do you think we'll find in there?" Kita asked, checking that his sword was near to hand as he spoke.
"Well, first of all there's something big and powerful, which you've obviously noticed too."
"Of course."
"Then there's something else….I'm not quite sure what it is exactly but it's something we can use. Something that could definitely come in handy."
"The treasure that bitch was talking about?"
"Very possibly, so we're going to need to watch out step in there and not rush into…"
"HEY IT'S A BUNNY! Here lunchmeat!" Kita raced into the entrance tunnel after the hapless mammal.
"…..anything." Mr Lordi finished. He sighed, it was always the same. He would advise his friend exactly how to proceed in a way that ensured neither of them would get hurt….then Kita raced after anything edible, which to Kita meant anything that wasn't nailed down.
Of course if it was nailed down it just meant Kita would eat the nails too.
Mr Lordi hefted his battleaxe in one hand. "Just you and me again Wilhelmina, let's get you something nice to play with." He stepped forward into the dark.

Kita had slowed down after the first few hundred yards, firstly because he had lost the rabbit and secondly because he'd managed to get himself hopelessly lost.
"Sheesh, all I wanted was one bite, don't know why everyone has to get so moody about it." Kita kicked a stone moodily, then followed it along the path he seemed to be heading for anyway. He was definitely of the 'I'll keep going till something happens' tribe of maze explorers.
Unfortunately for Kita, this particular maze had taken people like that into account and as a result, he wandered further and further along the same path, all the while thinking that a fork in the road must be just ahead, until he fetched up against a brick wall.
"You have got to be kidding me." Kita growled, glaring at the stones that had the audacity to be in his way. "I've got half a mind to cut my way through and screw the insurance."
Kita glared at the wall once more, then stopped. Then he stepped forward peering at the markings left there.
It appeared to be a mural of some kind, pictures were either carved or painted into the rock. The years hadn't been kind to them however and they were almost completely hidden by vines and moss.
Kita unsheathed his sword and skillfully hacked away the worst of the vegetation. Please with the result, the alien leaned forward and concentrated on the images in front of him, not realising that a hidden door had slid open behind him.

Mr Lordi stepped confidently around an explosion of plant life, which was surprisingly lively for somewhere with no wind, and peered around with vague interest.
The walls had been built incredibly thick, even by his standards. Each one looked as though it would difficult to smash through even with his axe.
Mr Lordi knew a thing or two when it came to the occult world and he knew you didn't need walls that thick with those symbols carved into them unless there was a very good reason.
He gripped his weapon a little tighter and ran his thumb down the blade, testing it for future use.

Kita was not the best art critic, as most images just reminded him of food. However, even he could tell that the images he was looking at were a warning of some kind.
The panels showed a series of images, something about a white bull that was doing something very questionable on some kind of island, then a human with shiny sparkles coming from his hands, then they disappeared into a panel that had been almost destroyed by some kind of blunt object.
Kita took another step closer to try and work out what had been hidden, all the while a figure behind him crept closer and closer to his exposed back.
The alien warrior could discern what looked like a hoof, but the piece of horn left above that was far too high for it to belong to the same bull as in the previous picture, so what could it be?
Kita leaned forward and brushed aside a particularly large vine, as he did so, he became aware of a scraping noise. The kind of scraping noise someone or something makes when it thinks you won't notice it.
As carefully as he could, Kita shifted his stance a little at a time, he narrowed his eyes as if engrossed in the mural in front of him and waited until he felt the air change before unsheathing his sword and spinning round just in time to catch the huge falling hammer on his blade as opposed to his spine.
He very quickly regretted catching his enemy's weapon however, when he realised exactly what his enemy was. The immense minotaur leaned down as he applied pressure to his hammer, snorting as he forced Kita onto one knee.
"Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit!" The alien warrior hadn't been hatched yesterday and he knew how to handle himself against almost every opponent in the known universe, however he also knew that when an opponent you know is bigger and stronger than you is pressing you into the dirt, it really isn't the best time to be heroic.
"Hope you're built like the Greeks." Kita muttered before letting his sword fly upwards and back, temporarily lifting the minotaur's hammer and allowing Kita to drop fully onto his back, kick out with his feet and completed a manouvre that would be frowned upon in civilised fighting circles but in a bar fight would have been considered completely necessary.
The beast let out a noise best described as "hfughxdfj!!" and dropped to the floor, using his hammer to keep from collapsing completely.
Kita meanwhile had scrambled up and raised his sword, he looked at the creature now panting and glaring VERY angrily at him. It was in situations where he knew he was outmatched that Kita remembered to stick to his strengths.
"See ya!" He shouted, before turning on his heel and racing back down the corridor he had come through.
The minotaur growled angrily to himself and hefted his body upright again. He sniffed the air to check the direction the intruder had gone, then stepped towards a patch of wall that looked like any other, tapped one of the many identical stones and stepped through the hidden doorway that opened before him.

Mr Lordi snarled to himself, he was getting mixed signals, up ahead was the strange power he had sensed before and somewhere to the left was the other presence. It wasn't a living presence he was sure of that, but likewise it wasn't a ghost or similar spiritual energy.
He paused for a moment and wondered whether he should continue searching for the possible 'treasure' or if he should search out this other presence.
The decision was made for him when he caught Kita's voice screaming, "HOLY SQUIRREL NUTS HE'S PISSED OFF NOW!!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
Mr lordi sighed. The other creature it is. He just hoped he wouldn't have to pull Kita out of anything's jaws again, once was enough.
To save time, mr Lordi opened a portal while thinking of his friend and stepped through, instantly changing his view from that of an empty tunnel, to that of an empty tunnel with Kita running without looking where he was going.
The portal closed just as Mr lordi stepped through and a second before Kita ran into him full force and knocked him onto the floor.
"Oof! Oh hey! Nice of you to drop in, listen there's a crazy minotaur running around here so could we just go?"
"There's a what running around?"
A thumping sound made them both look up at the tunnel Kita had been heading towards as the immense bull-man stepped out of yet another hidden door.
As he spied the two intruders lying on the floor on top of each other he couldn't help but pause in his attack with a bemused expression.
Kita was the first to speak. "If we tell you this IS what it looks like, would you get freaked out and go away?"
The monster growled and hefted his weapon once more.
"Didn't think so."
Kita leapt off mr lordi and drew his sword as Mr lordi rolled to one side and stood ready with his axe. He stole a quick glanc at Kita and noticed his friend had already taken at least one hit so far, he was bleeding from a deep gash in his forehead and had chipped a tooth, which was a mean feat in itself.
The minotaur hadn't escapse scot free either however, Kita had managed to cut his arm at some point and the blood was still dribbling down from the deep would. Unfortunately this did not seem to be slowing him down much.
Kita lowered his voice while glaring at their enemy. "He's not going to go down easy boss, he's tough and he's not dumb despite the looks.'"
Mr Lordi snorted, it was often useful to find something about your enemy to laugh at, nine times out of ten they got so angry they rushed into the attack without thinking of defence, which is where Wilhelmina came in, often very fast and aiming for something vital.
This wasn't the case just yet though, the beastman was weighing up the two warriors, h had the practised gaze of someone who'd beaten the living daylights out of many people in the past and judging from the scars on his body, some of them hadn't gone down without a fight.
"Let's try the manouvre we did on the fates, you remember that one right?"
"Oh yeah boss! I don't think I'm ever gonna forget that day."
As one, the two monsters sped forward, the minotaur raised his hammer in readiness and as he got into the right stance, Mr Lordi and Kita switched places from left to right and skidded to a halt on either side of their enemy.
Kita slashed with his sword, aiming to cut at he beastman's neck while Mr Lordi swung his axe upwards, aiming for his vital organs.
Which would have worked brilliantly had kita not been grabbed by the neck and flung into the axe's path as the minotaur neatly stepped back and out of weapons range.
"Shit!" Mr Lordi hissed as he struggled to change the heavy weapons trajectory before it gave his friend one hell of a haircut. Kita struggled to find his feet while the monster swung his own weapon round and down, aiming for Mr Lordi's head.
If kita hadn't had the presence of mind to hold onto his own weapon and the strength to deflect the blow the fight would have been over.
The three monsters moved backwards and returned to their previous, appraising stances.
"Like I said, not going to be easy."
Mr Lordi hated to admit it but he wasn't sure they could beat this guy. There was no way in hell or any other dimension that he was going to just walk away from a battle but at the same time he didn't want his quest to end with his brains splattered on a wall.
The creature was standing and waitign for them to make the next move. If Mr Lordi had been in the same situation he knew he would have been trying to end the confrontation as soon as possible, kill or disable one attacker then concentrate on the why was he just standing there waiting for them to move?
An idea started to from in his mind, he reached out with his mind for the power he'd felt earlier, yes there was the minotaur and there....there.....hmmmm.
"Kita," he murmured. "New plan." The alien leaned his head closer to his friend's so that he could speak in a low voice.
The minotaur growled threateningly but didn't try to stop them. Kita nodded and moved back to his original position.
"Ready? One more time." Mr Lordi said.
Kita nodded, brandished his sword, then moved forward again alongside mr lordi.
The minotaur grinned viciously and loosened one hand ready to repeat his earlier trick, just as Kita sped right past him and down the corridor, swiftly moving far away from the astonished creature.
Mr Lordi carried on moving and used the monster's momentary confusion to barrel into him and knock his balance.
The creature snarled and thrust his feet into the dirt to prevent Mr Lordi from knocking him over, then it grasped it's hammer and swung at his head, forcing him back, before a series of wild swings at various parts of his body.
Mr Lordi fended off each blow as best he could but the swings were getting wilder and faster as the creature tried to land a hit on him. This was definitely different to before, the minotaur was agitated now and Mr Lordi thought he knew why.
With a quick step he hopped onto a large chunk of masonry, flipped into the air and over the beastman's head to land on the other side.
"Follow the leader dumbass!" he quipped, before racing along in the same direction Kita had gone.
Taking a moment to check where his friend had gone, he confirmed that he was at the right spot. With a wicked grin, Mr Lordi stepped into a side tunnel and pulled himself onto the top of one of the walls.
He silently hunkered down and watched the tunnel floor. Just below him a scraping sound was heard and yet another secret door opened.
The minotaur stepped through, easing his way onto the path and checking around him for his enemy, thankfully, he didn't look up.
Mr Lordi considered leaping on the creature from here and finishing the problem once and for all, then he paused. Surely if the only problem was intruders he would have concentrated on Mr Lordi, but he had caught Kita's scent now and was closing on him as fast as possible.
Staying as quiet as possible, Mr Lordi crept along the tops of the walls, follwing the monster's moevements. It was clear he was aiming for the same place he'd sent Kita, the site of the other power he'd sensed.
Whatever was actually there must have been important, perhaps it was time to have a look for himself at just what the creature had been left to guard.
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby tsark » Wed Jan 04, 2012 5:11 pm

Kita had found the right place surprisingly quick. It was only a small grotto in the centre of the maze, but once you knew about the hidden passages it was easy to get to.
Of course, once there Kita was pretty much nonplussed. There was nothing here.
Oh there was the remains of some old human, and despite the scent of magic in the air here he doubted there was much the mouldering skeleton could do to bother him.
The only other items were a variety of alchemical tools and a book resting on a carved wooden pedestal. Most of the magic scent was coming from there and, ever curious, Kita had opened it up for a look.
It was at this point he wished he'd spent some time learning how to read.
The pictures were interesting though, he wondered how they managed to shift around on the page like that.
Kita looked up as he heard a thump from somewhere on the other side of the door, quickly as he could he nipped into a large wardrobe filled with musty robes and about seventeen generations of spiders and pulled the doors almost closed.
The minotaur stalked into the room, seeing him yet again from such close quarters made Kita very grateful to the inventor of the wardrobe.
Then he took back that sentiment as something huge landed on top of it, making the wood creak and shake around him.
"Why haven't you destroyed them yet?" Screeched a voice Kita couldn't help but think of as familiar.
The minotaur glared up at whatever was on top of the wardrobe.
"I don't remember offering you free rein here, nor do I remember offering to start taking orders from you either."
"Whatever, they came through here and I can't help but notice you haven't killed them off yet. Could it be Androlus was wrong to place his trust in you?"
The creature snarled up at whatever he was talking to and gripped his hammer a little more firmly.
"You don't have the right to talk about him, watch your forked tongue bird!"
The voice snickered. "I think he'll be the one who's upset if his remains are desecrated by these invaders."
"I won't let that happen. I promised to keep him and the book protected and that includes killing anyone who forces their way in here. If you don't want that to include you too you'd better fly away home. Now!"
The voice snorted derisively. "I'll leave you to your work then, of course if you're alright with letting your beloved master's remains become so much antique dust because of two morons then I guess there's no helping you."
The wardrobe creaked and rumbled again as the talking bird creature took off. Kita watched the beast's head rise as it followed the course of it's visitors flight.
"Prick." He muttered once the creature was out of earshot. The minotaur glanced towards where the dead human lay and his face fell a little. Kita felt a shot of sympathy fo rthe creature despite himself.
The sympathetic feelings disappeared when it gripped its hammer, wrapped a spare roll of barbed wire around the head and went to the door muttering dire curses against the interlopers under his breath.
"Charming." Kita rumbled forgetting where he was.
The minotaur stopped as it began to reach for the door handle and turned his head towards the back of the room... right where the wardrobe was standing.
Kita felt panic rising, he twisted around in the small space, hoping to spot a way out and only seeing thousand year old fashions. The minotaur stepped closer, his hammer raising in preparation as his spare hand reached for the handle.
Kita gulped shakily as he realised the cramped space prevented him from swinging his sword and he had no other weapons about him.
He pushed himself as far back as possible to allow himself a chance to surge forward when the door opened and gain some kind of advantage.
The minotaur's hand went top the handle, it gripped, it started to pull...
Just as Mr lordi destroyed the room's door on his way towards the minotaur who spun round in surprise, though not quickly enough to deflect the first blow which knocked him off his hooves and across the room.
Mr Lordi knew better than to allow his enemy a moment to catch up with current events and rushed forward, weapon ready even as Kita struggled to extricate himself from the wardrobe to prevent a major disaster, it would have helped if his teeth didn't catch on the buttons of one of the robes.
"shif!" He snarled, and rocked the wardrobe on both its feet as he wrestled with the cloth and the battle raged outside.
Kita tore a hole in the robe to free himself and leaned forward "Boss listen he..." Was as far as he got before the wardrobe toppled forward on top of him. "FUG!" came his muffled voice from underneath.
Mr Lordi and the minotaur seemed fairly evenly matched, each one could deal ringing blows that would shatter a normal weapon, but each were also tough enough to take the others attacks.
Just as they passed by the stricken wardrobe once more Kita managed to lift the wooden structure from his back. "Listen guys! We dont have to..."
His voice was cut off once again as the hooved monstrosity leapt onto the wardrobe in an effort to avoid a wild swing from Mr Lordi's axe.
He leapt off again a second later to aim another blow at Mr Lordi's head. The two tangled their weapons in one attack, straining and glaring at each other as each monster fought for dominance. They were interrupted by a sudden shower of wood splinters as Kita, who had finally had enough, smashed through the back of the wardrobe and roared.
The sudden appearance of a small, irate alien was unusual enough to momentarily stop both creatures in their battle as they turned and eyed Kita in astonishment.
"Look! We don't give a flying fuck about your precious dead guy! We don't even know who he is, so to save us all some fucking time, you can just forget about the whole protection bullshit! And boss, the book's one of those stupid magic ones that don't let anyone read them, so we might as well leave! For fuck fucking's sakes!"
Kita panted as he tried to regain the air he lost during his rant. The other two continued staring at him.
The minotaur recovered first, turning his head towards Mr Lordi. "Is that true?"
Mr Lordi turned his head as well. "Well, yes. If you remove most of those adjectives. It's a magician's book?"
The minotaur's eyes narrowed, what would be the point in asking if he was after treasure in the first place?
"Truce?" Mr Lordi asked.
The minotaur glared at him one last time, then nodded. The two warriors pulling their weapons apart at exactly the same time.
"So why ARE you here?" The bullman asked.
Mr Lordi held out a hand to help Kita out of the remains of the wardrobe as he explained. "We 've been residing in Hell for the past millenia or so, it recently came to my attention that humans had taken over the lands up here and I wanted to see for myself what it was like. A hostile takeover bid would also be a result of course."
The minotaur seemed baffled. "So...why come in here at all? Why not find a human settlement?"
"That's the sphinx's fault." Kita grumbled, picking his way over the broken wood.
The minotaur stiffened. "Sphinx?"
"Yeah, it was hanging around outside and told us about this place, it also mentioned something powerful here but didn't seem keen on details."
Mr Lordi was watching the minotaur's face.
"I take it you know the sphinx we're talking about?"
"To an extent. One of those creatures made its way in here through the roof and told me it wanted to warn me about a couple of graverobbers who were on their way to steal from Androlus."
"Who's he?" Kita asked.
"The guy you're poking, get away from there!"
"Well sorry! I didn't taste him or anything yet."
"A friend of yours?" Mr Lordi asked.
The minotaur seemed suddenly shy. "My master, he raised me here and asked me to take care of the book after he'd gone. It was very important to him."
Mr Lordi appeared to think about this for a moment.
"This Androlus would have put a spell on the book so no one could read it without his help right?"
The minotaur nodded.
Mr Lordi appeared to reach a decision. "Fair enough. We can't make use of the book so we don't have any more reason to stay here."
The minotaur blinked in surprise. "You're just going to leave?"
"There's nothing more to keep us here and, much as I hate to admit it you're a damn good fighter. So we're going to carry on with our own plan and leave you and your master in peace."
"We're not even going to have a bite first?"
"NOW Kita!"
The minotaur still seemed a little bewildered, but grateful. "Thank you, I must admit...I don't know if I could have beaten you outright."
"Probably because you're as bloody pathetic as each other!" Came a voice from above.
The recently sheathed and lowered weapons were raised once more as the three creatures raised their eyes to the roof of the room where the sphinx lay, tail twitching.
"You!" Snarled the minotaur, Glaring at the creature.
"Me! And all three of you making yourselves annoying."
"What are you up to? Why wold you send us in here if you were just going to set us up?" Mr Lordi growled, Axe in hand.
"That's for me to know and you to find out, if you survive..."
"Survive what?"
"My insurance policy."
The Sphinx clapped its front paws together and turned swiftly into what appeared to be a large thundercloud, odd enough. But the collected monsters bemusement turned quickly into fear as the thundercloud exploded in a burst of electricity into the surrounding rocks which started tumbling down in one massive landslide.
"Quick this way!" Mr Lordi shouted, using his axe to open a portal, he all but threw Kita through it then turned to the minotaur.
"Come on!"
The minotaur looked stricken, he turned his head towards the body still lying in state.
"Trust me! Come on!" Mr Lordi beckoned towards the beast man once again.
The minotaur hesitated for a moment more before leaping for the portal, swiftly followed by Mr Lordi himself just before half the mountain came down.

The labyrinth crumbled inwards, clouds of dust pouring out from the destruction as if a dragon had decided to set up home there. The monsters watched the place go down from a grassy hill until the rumbling had died away.
"That was kind of cool." Kita said. Wincing as Mr Lordi's hand connected with the back of his head.
"I promised to keep the place safe for him, I promised I wouldn't let anyone steal his secrets." The minotaur sounded like a child whose best friend in the entire world had to move to another country.
"He'll be safe still." Mr Lordi said, resting a hand on the beast man's shoulder. "Look."
He storked the axe in the air as if opening another portal, only this time the shimmering window was zoomed in on the ruins of the labyrinth. All three of them found it hard to avoid wincing at the minotaur's destroyed home.
The image shifted, dropping down through still settling rubble until it reached, after a good few miles, a small cave formed by a set of walls that had leaned against each other over the grotto where Androlus still lay undisturbed.
The minotaur heaved a sigh of relief. "Thank you."
"It's the least we could do."
"So what'll you do now?" Kita asked.
The minotaur considered the question hefting his hammer idly as he mused.
"I don't know, I've never had the option before."
"You mean you've never been outside that place?"
"No, never needed to"
"Oh well then I can think of a DOZEN places we can take you!" Kita said, throwing his arms around the bigger creatures shoulders as best as he could with his shorter reach.
"Actually, I might just stay here." The minotaur drawled with the kind of foresight many people had when confronted with a bright idea from Kita.
Mr Lordi couldn't help chuckling. "Look, why don't you come with us to see how these humans have changed things? We could always use another good warrior."
The minotaur considered this.
"And we could introduce you to the wonders of beer!" Kita added in a wheedling voice.
That did it.
"Alright then. I will."
"Good. I'm Mr Lordi and this is Kita, do you have a name?"
The minotaur nodded. "I'm Ox. Androlus said it was simple enough for me."
"Fair enough. I hope you dont mind travelling by portal." Mr Lordi said, opening one up so the now trio of creatures could continue their journey into the unknown.
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby tsark » Wed Jan 04, 2012 5:12 pm

Even if no one's reading I'm still writing on DA so thought I'd pop it up here too, enjoy random bored-as-hell browsers who stumbled here by accident! :D
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby Kitawa » Mon Aug 27, 2012 2:59 am

I started reading this and so far I've only read 1st chapter, but I think I'll leave a comment and then proceed further. It's an interesting setting.I really like your writing style & sense of humour! Especially how you write Kita, he is so... well, Kita-ish. :D I can imagion the things you write about very clearly in my mind when I read the story - the spine trick was brilliant. :lol: I would want to go to a trip with Kita as well, he is being such a funny fella here.
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby tsark » Mon Aug 27, 2012 3:55 pm

awww thank you! :D I thought out of all their personalities, Kita would be the funniest one who's just along for the ride with Mr Lordi being the only one acting like a grown up....most times ;)
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby Kitawa » Mon Aug 27, 2012 6:34 pm

Just finished reading 3rd post (chapter 3 possibly?). You write ingenious and delightful text and characterize the story well. I learned a few new words of English while reading this. :D Characters you've created are great, for example the sphinx. I found myself smiling amused at many points, for example:
“Come back here and get eaten like a real mythical beastie!”

And I just have to mention this one:
Even lemmings wouldn't throw themselves in front of this type of danger.

If you know the game "Lemmings", I have to tell ya I'm a huge fan of it and couldn't help myself thinking you were referring to it. :lol:

I'm interested to see what will happen next, when they meet another monster. Wheee~!
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby tsark » Mon Aug 27, 2012 10:28 pm

lol! so long as you're amused I'm doing it right ;) I remember that game too! :D The amount of times I ended up killing them all off was a bit shocking tho! :oops:
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby Maddy » Tue Aug 28, 2012 5:57 am

I've just read your story and I've to agree with Kitawa, I simply love your story!
You've got such a great style of writing. It's so great and easy to get into the story and into the persons and I've to say that I really can imagine that our monsters would exactly be like this. :mrgreen:
Please keep this story up, can't wait for more to read! :D
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby Kitawa » Wed Aug 29, 2012 8:28 pm

Reading chapter 4 finished. I never believed I could enjoy reading any action scene as much as I liked this. It's really exciting, still not forgetting those gems of humour included. Thankyou! :lol:
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby Kitawa » Sun Sep 02, 2012 1:42 am

And so I came to finish reading chapter five. I couldn't help laughing aloud at the part where Kita is fighting with the wardrobe. :D The wya you describe action scenes is really enjoyable to read. And I'm surprised now that in the end it was Kita who spoke some sense to others. :lol: OX is written just like he should be, it gives me similar impression as reading the comic about his origins. He's quiet, powerful and serious, faithful to Androlus.

Now I wanna know, are you gonna continue this? I'd really, really love to read more. You're definetely one of my fav Lordi fan fic writers if not even the best I know. Your style is just so captivating.
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby Maddy » Sun Sep 02, 2012 8:21 am

Kitawa wrote:And so I came to finish reading chapter five. I couldn't help laughing aloud at the part where Kita is fighting with the wardrobe. :D The wya you describe action scenes is really enjoyable to read. And I'm surprised now that in the end it was Kita who spoke some sense to others. :lol: OX is written just like he should be, it gives me similar impression as reading the comic about his origins. He's quiet, powerful and serious, faithful to Androlus.

Now I wanna know, are you gonna continue this? I'd really, really love to read more. You're definetely one of my fav Lordi fan fic writers if not even the best I know. Your style is just so captivating.

I totally agree in all points! *nods* :mrgreen:
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby tsark » Sun Sep 02, 2012 2:36 pm

Awwww thanks you two! :D you're both so sweet and thank you so so much for mentioning the action scenes! They were the ones i found the hardest to write so it means a lot that you enjoyed it :D
I've got the next part on my laptop but no internet access :O and ive just started a new job so the next few weeks will be quiet but it will definitely be continuing asap!
Also Imake no plans as i write, so i can tell you that if you really want to see a certain monster at the next stage all you need do is ask! ;)
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby tsark » Fri Sep 07, 2012 9:38 pm

Ermahgerd! New chapter! :o

After some debate, during which Kita asked if they could teleport to a pub, Ox requested they find a rest stop and Mr Lordi seriously considered travelling alone for the rest of eternity, the trio finally decided that the best course of action would be to take steps to prevent their being caught out again by any more surprises.
“Egypt??” Kita grumbled. “Isn’t that really really hot? I don’t like it when it’s hot!”
Ox was off hunting for provisions while Mr Lordi went over the details of his plans with Kita. Who was getting annoyed at the excessive travelling.
“You’re just moody cos you’re hungry.”
“Yeah? I’m always hungry it’s part of my nature, and Egypt’s hot! I don’t wanna go!”
“Oh quit whining! We’ll meet up with an old friend of mine and we’ll take care of our little follower once and for all, then we can just carry on our merry way and no more trouble.”
“There’d be no more trouble if you’d just let me eat people more often. No problems dealing with people who’re already digested.”
“Very funny.” Mr Lordi threw another log on the fire between them. He was slightly perturbed by the recent events. He wasn’t used to enemies who could outfight him. Perhaps he’d spent too long in Hell, he hated the thought that he might be losing his touch but he also didn’t want to lose his title so soon after his first real quest since he’d beaten Satan.
“If we get my friend on our side, we’ll have a whole new side to our little arsenal.” Mr Lordi explained.
“You saying I’m not enough of an arsenal for you?” Kita asked, putting on what he called his ‘puppy dog eyes’ but what everyone else called ‘Oh God please make it stop what is that!??’
Mr Lordi couldn’t help chuckling. “I can honestly say you’re more than anyone can handle for long.”
Kita grinned happily. He knew he had a reputation and he was damned proud of it.
“Food’s here.” Growled a voice from the darkness. Mr Lordi and Kita jumped as an entire cow, minus it’s head, flew through the air to land at their feet.
“Sweet! I love pork!” Kita chirped. Mr Lordi had learnt long ago that it was pointless trying to teach Kita the difference between foods, there was simply too many kinds he’d eat….including non-edible items.
“Where did you find a cow?” Mr Lordi asked.
“There’s a herd of them just over the rise there,” Ox said, pointing behind him. “I figured they wouldn’t miss one.”
Kita looked at the cooling body in front of him, then he looked suspiciously at Ox.
“So…when you say you found a herd of cows…you were just thinking about food right?”
“Yeah, what else would I be thinking?”
Kita and Mr lordi exchanged a worried glance and didn’t meet Ox’s eyes.
“…Oh you two are fucking sick!”
“What? I don’t know what you get up to man and hey you are part cow!”
“Do you want me to finish what we started in the labyrinth? Cos I’m happy to eat you too ya know!”
“Take it easy I just don’t want to bite into anything you’d been fooling with.”
“Even I think that’s disgusting! You need to get your mind out of the gutter!”
Mr Lordi stepped between them. “Now now ladies! Enough fighting, we’ve got a long way to go and I for one would love to get ready for it by eating a decent meal and getting some actual rest. How about you?”
“I’m happy with the eating bit!” Kita cried happily, ripping off a leg from the cow and digging in with no further worries about where it’d been.
Kita’s enthusiasm was often enough to defuse any situation and Ox settled down to eat with only a few minor grumbles.
Mr Lordi settled down, grabbing some meat for himself and laying his axe into his lap so he could sharpen the blade.
“Hey Ox, let’s play I Never.”
“I dunno, how do you play it?”
Kita began to elaborate on the rules of the infamous game while Mr Lordi concentrated on his weapon and the tasks ahead.

The sun crept over the sand dunes as it made its way across the sky. A small lizard carefully made its way over a small hill, lifting one leg at a time to try and alleviate the heat. It was hoping to find a meal somewhere in the sand in the form of a beetle or centipede.
It’s gaze was caught by a shimmering glow just above the ground, it was used to insects making funny lights appear, so it headed towards the shimmer even as it grew into a thin pillar in the air, a pillar that thickened and grew and expelled a large leg followed by a body that couldn’t under any circumstances be considered a possible lunch for a hungry lizard.
This particular one hadn’t got as old as it was by taking silly risks, so it held itself as still as possible until the shimmering thing had released two more large creatures. It waited until the three figures moved off towards a large pile of rocks before it moved again, hurrying towards its burrow.
It would be a while before it could get the image of a pair of hungry eyes in a red face out of it’s mind.

“So we’ve got to go through a mouldy old building AGAIN?” Kita whined.
“What part of my home was mouldy?” Ox growled.
“All of it.”
“Shut up and yes we’re going in there.” Mr Lordi answered.
“Don’t see why we couldn’t find extra warriors in a food market.” Kita grumbled.
“Maybe we’ll find a snake’s nest in there.” Ox said.
“Really? You think?” Kita visibly brightened. “I’m in!”
Ox grinned at Mr Lordi as Kita raced forward, excited at the prospect of interesting food.
“Easily led isn’t he?” He said happily.
“Gotta love him!” Mr Lordi quipped back, leading the way into the ancient pyramid, barely peeking above the sand that whipped past.
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby Kitawa » Sun Sep 09, 2012 2:06 pm

I'm so happy you decided to continue this story after a break. You haven't lost your touch. I love the new chapter!

Mr. OX and his suspected relationships with cows... oh my, that was so twisted. :twisted: But one has to admit he MUST be somehow related to cattle, and thus I have also wondered sometimes how cows and bulltaurs would react to each others (I've had a couple of ideas for drawings to represent that, nothing too naughty though :lol: ). I just laughed so hard when I got it what Kita & Lordi were thinking at that point. :roll:

Oh poor Kita being hungry all the time, and still he is so sweet. <3 I cannot help loving the way you write these characters.
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby Maddy » Wed Apr 17, 2013 11:46 pm

Aw, you should keep that thing going if you've enough time to do it. Looking forward to the next chapter :mrgreen:
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby tsark » Thu Apr 18, 2013 12:01 am

Awww thank you! :mrgreen: comments like that are the main reason I've never forgotten this story! I've been SOOO into my own story I've neglected this poor baby, but I've been thinking out the next bit on and off so, watch this space! :wink:
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby Maddy » Thu Apr 18, 2013 12:05 am

Oh I will, don't worry! :mrgreen:
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby Kitawa » Thu Apr 18, 2013 12:59 am

Me too!! _o/
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby Isa » Wed Jun 19, 2013 2:27 pm

Teamleader wasn't there, was lazy at work then I profite for read it :mrgreen:
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby tsark » Sat Dec 07, 2013 2:28 am

Glad you read it Isa! XD
Ermagerd! New part!! And it only took me................oh look a time warp I must have stepped into! Oh my! Anywho, more story ;)

“Nope, no way and no how. In that order.” The slightly decayed and bandaged pharoah leant back in his throne and crossed his arms stubbornly. “Sorry buddy but you’re on your own on this one.”
Mr Lordi and Ox lounged opposite the mummy, surrounded by piles of gold, jars of balms and spices and about a dozen bandaged servant women, several of whom were being followed around by Kita who would seem interested in whatever food item one was offering, then become confused and trail after another while watching her wiggling backside.
Mr Lordi put down the golden chalice he’d been drinking from, when Egyptian kings died they were given a variety of items to use in the afterlife, a custom that had served his old friend well.
“Look, Amen, I don’t want to push you into anything you don’t want to do. You know I respect you too much to do anything like that. But at the same time we could really use you, we still don’t know what this thing tailing us is.”
“But you have a few ideas?”
“About a hundred, but nothing that quite fits the bill here. I don’t think this is one of our old enemies, It’s nothing like anything I’ve seen before. Which is another reason I don’t want to be going up against it alone without a decent back up plan.”
“The back up plan being me?”
“And Mr Ox here, and Kita who I believe you’ve met?”
“I had noticed, look, here.” Amen grabbed a tray from a nearby table, thrust it into a serving girl’s hands and shoved her towards Kita. “Eat what you want, do what you want, then come back. I can’t stand you wandering around like a lost sheep!”
“Thanks buddy!” Kita happily led the serving mummy into a back chamber.
“Look, I’m glad you came to me and all, if only for the fact that you remember me after all this time. But the fact remains that this could get you guys killed or worse and I already died once, let me tell you it was NOT fun!”
“Hey I died too, it wasn’t that bad….tickled a little.”
“Quiet Ox. I know it’s dangerous Amen but that’s why we need you, you were the best assassin in all of Egypt when you were alive, and I’m pretty damn sure you’re the best dead assassin now. Anywhere! And considering how many times I bailed you out of tough situations I would have thought you’d be more agreeable at this point.”
“Didn’t you bail us both out of situations YOU had gotten us into in the first place?”
“I was hoping you had forgotten that.”
“Keep hoping. Sorry buddy but I have women, money, food, whatever I want is here. I don’t need to go anywhere and I don’t have a good reason to either.”
Mr Lordi looked at his old companion with narrowed eyes for a moment, then he nodded, placed his hands on his knees and arose. “Fine.”
“Fine?” Mr Ox asked, rising to his feet as well.
“Fine?” Amen asked, eyeing the standing pair suspiciously.
“Yup, fine. You don’t want to join us then that’s up to you. Come on Ox, we’ll go find some real warriors to help us.”
The pair began walking towards the exit, Ox looking slightly confused as Mr Lordi strode away, still loudly talking to him.
“Yeah Amen USED to be great, best fighter in the world but you know how it is, things get easy, people get soft.”
“I know what you’re doing!” Amen called from his golden throne.
“It’s such a pity too, these treasures are nothing compared to what we’re gonna find, but you can’t force a band of fighters.”
“It’s not working, you’re only making yourself look stupid!” Amen shouted.
“He used to be the best, I guess time ruins everything.”
“Who are you calling ruined??”
“Someday we’ll find a better warrior I’m sure, just not here…”
The two monsters turned a corner and Mr Lordi put out a hand to stop Mr Ox. “Just give him a minute.”
Within 53 seconds, a pattering sound was heard rapidly approaching, then stopping completely, then a soft tapping began and Amen turned the corner at a sedate pace. “Oh, still here are you?”
“Just figuring out our next destination.”
“I see.” Amen seemed to be considering something. “You know, you’re not going to make it too far with only three of you.”
“No? Well we’re going to try.”
“Your weapons are going to get destroyed if you go trying to smash the heads off of everything you see that annoys you.”
“I’ll bear that in mind.”
“And if I came with you, just to keep you from dying like a bunch of morons, it wouldn’t be because of some amateur psychology you used on me.”
“Of course! I would never use psychology on you.”
“Not surprising, you’re not smart enough.”
“I’ll give you that one but next time I’m chopping something off.”
“Good luck with that! They removed my best bits when they mummified me. Shall we be off?”
“Wait, where’s Kita?”
A quiet sniffing sound preceded the appearance of the alien, looking pleased to have hunted down his companions. “Hey mummy man, thanks for the snack.”
“No problem, how was the woman?”
“A little dry.”
“Well we’re all a long time dead, so long as you enjoyed her.”
“Yeah, the meat could have been more tender though…”
“I didn’t realise we were serving meat tonight.”
“Maybe it’s better we just get going.” Mr Lordi interrupted.
The four monsters wandered out to the sands, where a lone sidewinder was the only witness to an alien coughing up a piece of ancient bandage.
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby Maddy » Mon Dec 30, 2013 3:01 am

Ha, really great new chapter!
I liked it a lot and Amen and Kita are simply sooo funny xD

Looking forward to read the next chapter soon :)
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby tsark » Mon Dec 30, 2013 5:04 pm

awww thank you hun! XD Awa's gonna be next, then I'm going to do a cameo chapter! ;D
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