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Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby tsark » Mon Jan 06, 2014 2:22 am

Totally did moar! Who knew I could get chapters done if I got off my ass and actually WROTE things? No one told me! D:




The four monsters continued their journey with the help of Mr Lordi’s axe. Slicing through dimensions, they stepped from one part of the world to another, where strange creatures still dwelled and monsters were commonplace.
What was less common was anyone willing to join their band. Word had gotten around that there was a group of strangers who’d had a run in with some dark creatures and no one wanted to lose whatever clawhold they had managed to gain in the human world.
The last thing the monster men wanted was a team mate who would run screaming at the first sign of trouble, but it was still irritating to find no help whatsoever at every turn.
Then they found the swamp.
A passing ghoul had pointed it out to them, it turned out the swamp had been ruled by a vampire who’d married a banshee. Both had encouraged their child, a daughter, to practice witchcraft as an interesting hobby.
It made a very interesting hobby too, until an unfortunate spell had gone awry, sending half the family home into an unnamed dimension along with the girl’s mother.
To a mortal, this would have been a tragedy. To a monster, this was a minor setback.
The end result being that the master and new mistress of the house had vowed to keep within their home in the swamp until their matriarch returned.
Sadly the latest gossip had been that the father had died, leaving the girl alone to manage the crumbling house.
The last thing she may have wanted was to entertain four hungry males, but thanks to the bickering of a mummy and a forever hungry space alien that’s exactly what happened this night.
“Sorry to descend on you like this miss.” Mr Lordi said, accepting a plate of some form of meat (probably alligator she’d called it).
“Please, call me Awa, and you’re welcome to visit. It’s nice having company after so long.” She gave a sweet, if toothy smile and passed another plate to Amen.
Ox and Kita seemed to be trying to outdo each other in the ‘gross eating habits’ competition. The pair of them were intent on grabbing as much food as possible in their hands and shoveling it into their mouths.
The fact that they missed with every third shovel didn’t seem to bother them.
Nor their hostess, who merely smiled happily and wiped away the bigger blobs of flying grease from the furniture.
“It makes everything that little bit more lively don’t you think?” She said, smiling so brightly that even the hungry boys stopped their shoveling for a moment.
The sweet smile and a happy chuckle appeared one more time, then she disappeared into the kitchen. “Can we keep her? I’d really like it if we kept her.” Kita said, mouth still filled with food.
“I doubt she’d want to run around fuck knows where with a weird alien thing that talks with its mouth full.” Amen drawled, he was already on his third glass of whisky.
“Screw you dude I’m adorable.” Kita replied, teeth chomping busily at the meat in his jaws.
“You’re right man; I’d adopt you in an instant.” Ox added.
“Really?”
“Fuck no.”
“Awww.”
“Don’t be stupid, for one thing, we don’t even know how powerful she is and we can’t afford to drag any dead weight with us. For another, is there any way, in the bluest of blue hells you two could TRY and shut your goddamn mouths when you chew?”
Ox and Kita looked at Mr Lordi’s irritated scowl, then looked at each other, then they simultaneously gave big, gristle laden grins and chorused “Sorreeeeeee.” Sounding anything but.
Amen rolled his eyes. “So what if she turns out to be worth the trouble? Wouldn’t you want to bring her along then?”
“Not if you motherfuckers are going to be making googoo eyes at her all the way back to Hell, I want to get there before I have to sit through all of your marriage proposals.”
“Oh is someone getting married?” Awa asked, returning to the room with a teapot that still bubbled ominously. Four voices, one irritated, three guilty, chorused “NO!” Making her start a little, until Amen cleared his throat.
“Say Awa, I bet you get bored out here alone huh?”
“Amen…” Lordi growled, glaring at the mummy who cheerfully ignored him.
“Cause you know, we’re on a little quest of our own and we could always use extra help.”
Lordi mouthed every obscenity he knew behind Awa’s back, glaring at the mummy as he used his hands to gesture exactly what he would like to do to his undead friend.
“Well I don’t know, it might be best if I stayed here, I’m still not sure if my parents would like to come back sometime and mother was always so house-proud.”
Lordi didn’t need to wait for another excuse. “Well that’s a pity but you can’t possibly disappoint your parents, like you said they’ll need somewhere to come home to so we’ll just let you get on.” He rose, emptied his cup in one gulp and began stepping towards the door. “Please feel free to write and let us know how you get on, but we REALLY need to go now.”
He opened the door as he spoke, turning towards the doorway to see it already filled with a large, pale wall of quivering flesh.
Without another word he shut the door, turned thoughtfully towards Awa and asked. “Was there perhaps a pet you forgot to mention?”
The others just had time to think ‘uh oh’ before the entire front door and surrounding walls burst inwards and a clawed, webbed foot swung through the house, scattering the décor and forcing the monsters to retreat to the far corners of the room.
“Oh my!” Awa said, looking at the mess with concern.
“I guess this isn’t a friend of yours?” Amen asked, pulling Lordi to his feet where he had been thrown back by the creature now trying to force its huge, flabby frame through the hole in the house.
“Oh my, no, I don’t know what it is, I’ve never seen it here before, do you think it’s lost?”
“I’m going to go with no and respond with a method I’ve found works very well.” Lordi said, brushing wood splinters off his shoulders before grasping his axe in both hands and rushing towards the beast with a roar.
“Finally some real fun!” Amen cried, brandishing a pair of long curved swords and leaping in to the fray, Kita and Ox following not far behind.
“Oh my!” Awa whispered again.
The webbed claw tore out more of the wall and most of the roof of Awa’s home, a warty, bulbous head shoved in through the shingles and beams to glare down at the monsters attempting to attack it.
To be fair, it was not a battle that would go down in Lordi’s history as their finest moment.
Kita went with his first instinct, which was to bite at whatever was attacking him; this resulted in him getting a huge mouthful of the slick slime that ran from the creature’s body.
Even for an alien with an iron stomach this wasn’t the nicest thing he’d ever eaten.
Then the smell and taste hit his senses and Kita had to wrench his teeth away just before vomiting down the monster toad’s warty leg.
This must have offended it, as it lifted its leg and kicked the alien into the kitchen through the living room wall.
Ox took a slightly more sensible view and used his war hammer to swing at the wall of flesh which was now most of the way into the house.
It sank into the toad’s belly with a wet, sucking sound that continued as it began absorbing the weapon with its slimy skin. “Oh shit.” Ox muttered as he realised the slime was gripping his hands where they were holding the handle of his hammer.
Amen attempted using his weapons too, bringing out two long, curved swords and swinging one deftly through the monster’s belly to free Ox’s hands before the rest of him was dragged forward into who knew what. Just as he yanked the minotaur out of harm’s way he felt a sharp tug and rose suddenly into the air, the mummy was smart enough to release the swords and dropped to the ground in time to see the toad had spat out a deep red tongue and used it to grab the weapons.
“Dammit, I was buried with those.” Amen growled as the swords disappeared down the toad’s throat.
Lordi made the best move, leaping from the table to a high shelf to a wall and up to the toad’s face, brandishing his axe at the beast’s eye while it fought with the others. Lordi allowed himself a smile as he raised the axe ready to sweep down onto the eyeball that was only now rolling up to look at him.
If it hadn’t been for the now sword wielding tongue flying at his back like a whip, Lordi would have been able to finish the battle. As it was he was lucky the swords hit the armour on his back, sending him flying down the creature’s body, rolling in the slime as he went.
“Motherfucker.” He growled. “Fall back, we aren’t getting anywhere like this.”
“Fall back where?” Amen asked. “It’s wrecked the place already.”
“The house….what if father comes home….” Came a little voice from behind them. Awa was standing there holding a vase of some kind, as if trying to protect it while webbed hands smashed at what remained of the roof. “Mother will be upset her furniture’s broken….”
Amen and Ox looked towards Lordi, completely unprepared for dealing with upset females.
Mr Lordi groaned inwardly at the thought that he was the only one who got the most awkward jobs. What a great job it was being leader.
“Listen, Awa, we need to move, your house is gone and we can’t beat this thing so we need to move somewhere safer…”
“Awa turned to him, looking slightly surprised. “The house is gone?”
“Yes, it’s gone, we need to be to so let’s…”
Lordi stopped in surprise as Awa thrust the vase into his arms. “Keep that somewhere safe.” She commanded, sounding suddenly stern as she strode forward. “And cover your ears.”
“Cover…what? Where are you going?!”
“Just cover your ears!” She snapped, turning to glare at the monstermen. All three looked back with a mixture of terror, surprise and sneaking respect.
As one, the boys raised their arms (Mr Lordi shuffling the vase between his elbow and ribs so he could free his hand) and covered their ears, holding their hands down as hard as they could handle.
Awa glared up at the monster toad, which looked down at her, lifted one leg and smashed it down on a large cupboard.
“That…held mother’s FAVOURITE crockery set.” Awa snarled. She opened her mouth, took a deep breath, then screamed.
Although the boys had their ears covered, the scream was still loud enough for each of them to start wondering if their skulls would stay intact. Then, as the volume increased, whether that was earwax or brain matter that felt like it was trying to bubble out of their ears.
The toad, not realising how dangerous a banshee scream could be, felt the full force of the noise trying to burst his eyeballs from their sockets and rattle his bones. He tottered off to one side, taking out half of a wall, then croaked in a sickly way and waved its arms in an attempt to stop the sound reaching it’s now sorely abused ears.
Of course, in waving its arms around it left said ears uncovered, this was a big mistake.
Awa raised her voice to a higher pitch and the toad had just enough time to say something that sounded like ‘Oh shroak!” Before its head exploded, blowing out the rest of the walls of the barely standing house.
The monsters, including Awa turned away from the gore splatter, Awa shut her mouth in time to avoid a fate similar to Kita’s and the boys took advantage of having their hands up to shield their faces from the worst of the mess. When they looked up, a smoking mess was all that remained of either the toad, or the house.
A rustling brought everyone’s eyes back to the immense body now strewn all over the rubble, thousands of centipedes were racing from the toad’s body and scurrying down into cracks in the ground as quickly as they could move.
Lordi turned towards Awa. “That was….”
“Please don’t let my mother know, she’ll be annoyed I was unladylike, I’m sorry too for just doing that but I couldn’t just let it destroy my home and inconvenience everyone and…”
“Awa…that was AWESOME!”
“Oh my, you think so?”
“Hell yes! Would you consider coming with us?”
“Oh? With you where?”
“Well it’s a long story but basically we’re going to find the son of a bitch who’s been coming after us in shapes like that fat bastard there and we’re going to kick his ass.”
“Oh I see, you think it’s still alive then?”
“I know it, we also have no problem letting you get in helping us finish him off.”
Awa looked thoughtfully at Lordi, then at Amen and Ox who grinned back. “Alright then, you seem nice enough, father would have loved to meet you.” And she let them see another of her sweet smiles.
The boys took a moment to bask in the glow of their delightful new companion, then realised they had forgotten someone.
“IS THE FIGHT STILL GOING ON??” Came a voice from the kitchen, closely followed by Kita stumbling in and pawing at his ears.
“Oh dear,” Awa said. “He must have not heard me warn everyone.”
“He’s had worse.” Lordi said as Ox retrieved the lost weapon’s that had been thrown from the toad’s body. “We should just get going. LET’S GO BUDDY.”
Kita peered up at Mr Lordi with a confused expression. “I DUNNO, SOME KIND OF CHEESE I THINK.”
“Oh my, you’re sure he’ll be all right?”
“Yeah I’m sure, what do you want to do with this vase thingy?” Mr Lordi asked, holding the vase out and peering at it.
“Oh that’s father’s ashes, just pop it down wherever you find a spot, he’ll wake himself up when he’s ready.”
Mr Lordi gave the vase a suspicious look, then very carefully set the vase on a chest of drawers, trying hard not to apologise to it.
“Are you ok travelling by portal?” He asked their newest recruit.
“Oh my yes. I’ve never tried it myself but it looks like such fun.” She smiled again and Kita looked over to her, then turned to Lordi.
“IS SHE COMING WITH US??”
“YES YOU DUMBASS!”
“NO THANKS, I BATHED LAST YEAR!” Kita said.
Mr Lordi sighed and got his axe ready. Sometimes it was better just to move on.
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby Kitawa » Mon Jan 06, 2014 8:35 am

You really know how to entertain people with your writings, you know that?
I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. Phil. 4:13
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby tsark » Mon Jan 06, 2014 4:06 pm

aww thank you! ^.^ hopefully I'm doing that more than I'm annoying people! lol
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby tsark » Sun Jan 19, 2014 1:49 am

Cheating a little this time by adding song lyrics :P I'm a lazy mare like that! But hey, got into a good writing routine! :D


“I’m hungry, how long has it been seen we’ve eaten?”
“Seriously? It’s been one hour! We only just left the swamp!”
“But when was the last time we FINISHED a meal? I’ve eaten one whole meal this entire day so far!”
Lordi sighed. Kita was a monster of huge appetite and ritualised eating habits. If he couldn’t finish an entire meal, he counted it as missed and would complain bitterly until he could be distracted, usually with more food.
“If we go somewhere that’ll shut him up, would anyone object?”
Amen, Ox and Awa looked at each other and shook their heads. “So long as the whining stops we’re good.” Amen said.
“Mean, I’m not whining, I’m complaining.” Kita retorted, before raising his voice to a high pitched, nasal tone. “Thiiiiiiiiis is whiiiiiniiininnnggg!”
Amen grabbed him by the front of his armour and held him close to the sword he’d freed from its scabbard.
“I swear to Ra I will murder you if you don’t stop that.”
“It was just a joke! Keep your bandages on!”
“Quit it both of you.” Lordi snapped. “We’ve got someone new and we’ve been travelling for days, we’re all tired. Let’s just take some time out and see what we can find.”
“Time out where?” Mr Ox asked. “This place is dead.”
And it was true. The town the monsters had arrived in had promised a thriving community to wreak havoc in, or at least to have a little fun with, but the houses were deserted.
“Where did they all go do you think?” Awa asked, peering curiously in at a window and stroking a cat who was hanging around on the sill.
“Haven’t the first clue and normally I wouldn’t care, but bearing in mind what’s been dogging us so far everybody keep your eyes open.”
“Can we eat the animals they left behind?” Kita asked, eyeing the cat now arching its back into Awa’s hand.
“No!” She cried. “Surely you can wait till we find somewhere else?”
“Well I can’t wait forever! I’m a growing boy!”
Lordi rolled his eyes and looked out over the road. Far in the distance was what looked like a field, but there was a glow over it from some sort of light source. He was also aware of a dull roar coming from that direction.
“Maybe everyone went there?” Amen asked, coming to stand near Lordi and following his gaze.
“I’d say everyone went there for certain.” Ox said, peering at some litter he’d picked up from the ground.
“What makes you say that?”
“Cause of this.” Ox turned the piece of paper around to reveal a flyer for an open air concert for tonight, due to start in an hour. Four faces glared out of the paper, white and black colours painted over their faces, one of them had their tongue hanging out and the word KISS was emblazoned above the faces.
“Everyone went for free kisses? What’s all that about?” Kita asked.
“It’s not free kisses dumbass, it’s one of those things where humans go singing, see it says right there, concert.” Amen declared, having spent the most time among actual humans he liked to consider himself an authority on their behaviour.
“What does that involve?” Lordi asked, curious despite himself. The others looked on interestedly as Amen realised he had the floor.
Standing a little straighter, he resumed his impromptu lecture. “Humans like to gather when they listen to music, they get freaked out by anything that affects their souls so they like to band together rather than freak out alone.
“They make plans to have huge open air song contests where they cheer on their favourites in a big singing contest, then the ones that made them feel the most emotions gets killed and eaten by the crowd to prevent them feeling so much again.”
The group mulled over this new information.
“Is any of that true?” Asked Lordi, who’d known Amen the longest and knew his proficiency in bullshit.
“No idea, could be!” The mummy replied happily.
Awa stifled a giggle and Kita rolled his eyes, feeling less playful the longer he went without a full meal.
“Wouldn’t it make sense to go down there after the humans?” Ox asked. “If they can’t provide food or somewhere to chill themselves at least they could lead us somewhere.”
“Good point. Not like there’s anywhere else that looks half as interesting.” Lordi said. He was glad Ox mentioned a trip to this concert first, he would have hated to admit it but he was keen to see what this was all about.
When they’d taken over hell Mr Lordi had always been intrigued by the strange music produced by the denizens of Hell. It had mostly been torture organs and body parts instruments, but some of the bands the devils had put together had been pretty damn entertaining.
Occasionally a singer or band from Earth would make their way to Hell, but so far they’d either been so insane with terror or chemically destroyed that he’d ended up fed up and tossing them into the nearest pit.
He’d harboured secret wishes to listen to these musicians from a first hand point of view, which he vaguely felt was something a lord of hell shouldn’t really be interested in. But, now they were on Earth and normal rules didn’t apply.
As they trudged along the road, the monsters became aware of noise blasting down through the night air. Someone was apparently murdering a cat while belching into a loudspeaker, or that’s how it seemed to the monsters.
“That does not sound like any kind of music I’ve ever heard.” Amen commented, wincing a little as the noise reached a crescendo.
“I suppose some people would like it.” Awa said, trying to look on the bright side. “I must admit I’d like it a little better if I could work out what the tune was supposed to be.”
“I don’t think even they know.” Kita said, pointed at the people on stage.
Their unpainted faces proved that this was not the promised band playing, for some reason the organisors had allowed four people who had apparently rolled out of bed in an S&M store to jump up on stage and abuse several instruments, which they were doing with gusto.
It would have gone over well with the crowd, except, as Awa pointed out, they weren’t able to keep to one tune. While the singer was bawling out some strange ballad which may have been about frogs, the guitar player was strumming like a mad thing on the strings which were completely unmatched by the wailing of the bass. The drum section seemed completely unconcerned about his compatriots and was hammering away at a fairly decent rendition of ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’.
The result was a huge crowd of people rapidly becoming mutinous.
“Maybe we should look for a quieter area?” Lordi suggested. “With this many humans I don’t think we could get out safely if they turn nasty.”
“Oh I dunno, we could get a decent meal or ten before they bring us down.” Kita said wistfully.

“There’s no one at that roped off bit behind the stage.” Ox said pointing. There was indeed an area where ropes were held up on metal poles with a large ‘No Entry’ sign. To most people, this meant no entry. To Lordi, this was a vague comment that could be adhered to or ignored completely depending on his mood at the time.
“Do you think anyone will get annoyed if we’re back here?” Awa asked nervously.
“It’ll be fine.” Amen replied. “If anyone gives us trouble we’ll just let Kita talk to them, they’ll freak out or go insane after ten minutes.”
“I’m not that bad!” Kita protested.
“Agghhhhh it’s already happening! The pigs are flying round the jam!!” Amen cried, clutching his head.
“Oh very fucking funny!”
“What the hell are you doing back here?” A voice shouted from behind the group.
The monsters turned, eyeing the furious little man behind them. Being creatures of myth and legend they were used to occasional humans confronting them. However they were more used to said human using a shield and sword for protection instead of a clipboard and headset.
“Are you seriously talking to us?” Mr Ox growled.
“Who the fuck else would I be talking to? Didn’t Sharon speak to you??”
The monsters looked at each other, a little lost.
“Sharon?”
“She never spoke to you!? For fuck sakes I have to do everything around here! All opening acts to go to the dressing room in the East tent!! Please don’t tell me you got changed where everyone could see you back there??”
“…We can honestly say we did not.”
“Well thank fuck for that but you had better get your asses into the waiting room because you’re gonna have to go on next and fuck knows these assholes have damn near killed the audience!”
The monsters were even more puzzled than before. “Go on….?”
“On stage! Do you even have your instruments? For crying out… I think there were some spares from the other bands they should be in there now go, GO!”
The little man put both hands flat on Kita’s shoulders and started to shove the slightly astonished alien towards the backstage area. The other monsters followed, more bewildered than anything else by the odd little angry man.
It wasn’t until long after that the man in question began to worry about the fact that the latex costume the weird looking guy had been wearing had felt awfully….lifelike under his hands.
In the backstage area, the monsters were even more confused.
Humans were running around and yelling things while other humans were frantically putting wires in places or moving instruments around while strangely dressed humans wandered back and forth with dazed looks.
“Did something explode back here?” Kita asked, peering round at the barely organised clutter filling the parts of the room that wasn’t filled with people.
“Didn’t you hear?” A passing woman with a pile of coiled wires said. “Kiss had a breakdown just outside the city, the audience has been kept waiting for over twenty minutes and they’re already mutinous.”
“Well what did the guy with the headset think we could do?” Ox asked.
“If I were you I’d grab some instruments and play for time before we’re all torn limb from limb.” The woman said ominously, before turning on her heel and power walking off into the throng again.
The monsters looked at each other. They were used to people not believing they were what they seemed, but that quickly changed within five minutes and then the screaming started.
This was a whole new experience, being considered just one of the humans.
“What should we do?” Amen asked.
“I…don’t know, what do you guys want to do?” Lordi answered. “This is a new one on me.” Despite his words, his eyes roved to a pair of humans in black leather, one was patting his knees in an interesting rhythm and the other was half muttering, half screeching some kind of song.
The other monsters looked around at the people nearby, Kita peered through the curtain and spotted the drummer who was still playing onstage. He watched as the human spun the sticks on his hand, threw them up and caught them and at one point dropped one of the sticks and used his head instead.
“It might be fun.” He said.
Awa stroked the edge of a keyboard leaning against a wall. “I could probably play this thing, if it’s like mother’s piano.”
Mr Ox picked up a spare bass. “At the very least I guess I could hit someone with this thing.” He said.
“Just leaves you mummy man.” Lordi said, turning to Amen.
“I guess I’d be up for it, these don’t look too complicated.” He picked up the guitar that had been resting next to the bass.
“So, we’re gonna do this?” The other monsters looked at each other then nodded. Glints in their eyes. It had been a long time since new and exciting things had entered the monsters world, now there was the oppurtunity to jump in at the deep end.
“Alright, according to the angry lady we can go up after these guys.” Mr Lordi said, trying to hold back his enthusiasm.
“Oh wait, we aren’t ready, what would we play?” Awa said. Everyone looked at each other at a loss, everyone but Mr Lordi who started to reach for his pocket, then stopped and refused to catch anyone’s eye.
“What’s up with you man?” Amen asked, spotting the movement.
“Nothing.” Lordi replied, still looking shifty.
“You did something didn’t you?” Kita asked with a toothy grin.
“No!” Lordi snapped, shuffling his feet.
“Is this related to all those times you’d sneak off and catch the concerts at the Hades Arena?”
“How did you know about….SHUT UP!”
“You like this music stuff don’t you Mr Lordi?” Everyone was grinning along with Kita now.
“Would you stop it?”
“I bet he’s written his own song!” Amen gleefully said.
There was a silent pause from the big monster.
“OH HELL YOU TOTALLY DID!” Amen burst into peals of laughter, joined by the others. Mr Lordi couldn’t help the blush that rose to the fleshier parts of his cheeks.
“You’re all going to die.” He muttered.
Kita nipped smartly round Mr Lordi in an odd dance and it wasn’t until he had skipped round to the others again that Lordi realised he’d just picked his pocket and grabbed the piece of paper he’d been hiding.
“SON OF A…!”
“Now now!” Kita warned. “if you’re going to go round writing stuff you’ve got to be ready for criticism!”
Mr Lordi spluttered with incoherent fury as Kita opened the paper and started peering at it. The others leaned in around him (keeping a close eye on their leader) to look it over for themselves.
Mr Lordi silently cursed them, letting a few choice phrases slip out accidentally on purpose, while keeping his eyes fixed on the action on stage through the gap in the curtain. He wanted to look anywhere but at his friends right now.
His friends who were being ominously quiet.
His eyes fought with his stubbornness and looked over towards where they were all bent over the piece of paper, eyes moving along the lines and concentrating on what they saw.
They weren’t laughing, which was good, but they were paying a lot of attention to what they were reading, which was scary.
“That’s actually pretty good.” Amen was the quickest reader.
“Thank you for sounding so surprised.”
“I’m serious! I could see us doing a tune with that.”
“It is very well done, especially for a first song.” Awa added, Ox nodded agreement behind her.
“When did you find the time to write this?” Kita asked.
“You remember, when that choir came through that turned out to be not quite so holier than thou?”
“Oh yeah, St Mercedes or something.”
“Yeah them, well before they went down to the other departments I asked them to give me some tips, I promised them mercy if they helped me out.”
“Did that get it?”
“Pffft no!”
A human flew in from a side room. “Set’s almost over and Kiss is on the move, but we need one more band next group get ready!”
“That’s you.” The woman from before said as she wandered by again. “Good luck and don’t let them murder you up there or anything.”
“She’s so nice!” Kita said.
“I say we just do this song then leave before everyone gets too excited.” Amen said, holding up the piece of paper.
“I dunno…” Mr Lordi muttered.
“Votes for the song?” Kita asked, raising his hand. Amen immediately raised his hand too, after a second’s thought, both Awa and Ox also raised their hands.
“I don’t have a say in this do I?” Lordi asked, secretly touched.
“Nope!” Chorused his friends.
Mr Lordi took a deep breath. “Well let’s go rock the hell out of these assholes.”
The monsters grabbed their instruments of choice, which the roadies helped them to set up, while Mr Lordi went to the microphone standing at the edge of the stage. He had never felt so simultaneously terrified, awed and powerful all at once.
A quick glance around showed him that the others were starting to reconsider a little as the muttering crowd glared up at them.
“Shall we just go straight into it?” He asked the nearest monster, Amen, while holding a hand over the microphone.
“It’s either that or we all lose our nerve. You give the signal man.”
Mr Lordi allowed himself one last glance around, then turned to look back at Awa and nodded.
After a tense nod back, she raised her hands, and began the notes of the song. Amen and Ox raised their hands to their strings and Kita gripped his drumsticks as Mr Lordi roared.

“Hard Rock Hallelujah!
Hard Rock Hallelujah!

The audience stopped their muttering immediately, this was a new sound….

“The saints are crippled
On this sinners' night
Lost are the lambs with no guiding light

“The walls come down like thunder
The rock's about to roll
It's the arockalypse
Now bare your soul

People were starting to bob their heads and grin at the tunes blasting out at them. A few started ot sway in place or chatter enthusiastically with their friends.

“All we need is lightning
With power and might
Striking down the prophets of FALSE
As the moon is rising
Give us the sign
Now let us rise up in awe

“Rock 'n Roll angels bring thine Hard Rock Hallelujah
Demons and angels all in one have arrived
Rock 'n Roll angels bring thine Hard Rock Hallelujah
In God's creation supernatural high

Everyone was getting excited now, half the people were dancing, half were happily attempting to sing along despite knowing none of the lyrics and quite a few were holding up their hands, fingers curled into fists except for two fingers.

“The true believers
Thou shall be saved
Brothers and sisters, keep strong in the faith

“On the day of Rockoning
It's who dares, wins
You will see the jokers soon'll be the new kings

Each of the monsters were enjoying themselves immensely, Kita had attempted several drumstick tricks and was getting into more elaborate attempts with each verse.

“All we need is lightning
With power and might
Striking down the prophets of FALSE
As the moon is rising
Give us the sign
Now let us rise up in awe

“Rock 'n Roll angels bring thine Hard Rock Hallelujah
Demons and angels all in one have arrived
Rock 'n roll angels bring thine Hard Rock Hallelujah
In God's creation supernatural high

Despite himself Mr Lordi felt a strong surge of power from the audience’s revelry, at times like this he usually went flying somewhere, he couldn’t do that here but his wings slowly unfurled themselves anyway.

“Wings on my back
I got horns on my head
My fangs are sharp
“And my eyes are red
Not quite an angel
Or the one that fell
Now choose to join us or go straight to Hell

Amen was deeply amused by the audience’s joyous reaction to seeing demon wings flashed live on stage, and stuck his tongue out mischieviously at some shrieking females who squealed even louder at the sight.

“Hard Rock Hallelujah!
Hard Rock Hallelujah!
Hard Rock Hallelujah!
Hard Rock Yeah!

“Rock 'n Roll angels bring thine Hard Rock Hallelujah
Demons and angels all in one have arrived
Rock 'n Roll angels bring thine Hard Rock Hallelujah
In God's creation supernatural high

“Hard Rock Hallelujah!”

Mr Lordi raised his hands, making small brimstone explosions appear at the edges of the stage at the last note. The crowd was driven insane with joy and roaring for more.
“Pssst, the band’s here!” A voice called from behind them.
The monsters spotted the human from before beckoning them back behind the curtain.
They quickly waved goodbye to the audience and nipped through to the backstage area once again.
“That was awesome!” Kita grinned.
“It was lovely wasn’t it?” Awa giggled.
“I gotta admit, you guys were the best I’ve heard in a while.” Came a voice from behind one of Mr Lordi’s wings.
The monsters turned to see a strange sight, a human with a black and white face, a one of a kind costume and his curly black hair in a topknot was talking companionably to them.
“If ever you wanna come on tour again let me know, you look like fun!” He grinned then, in a way that made the others think that even if he knew they were real monsters he would probably still make the offer.
“Thanks, we’ll bear that in mind.” Mr Lordi said.
“Awesome, now if you’ll excuse me I have to go rock this bitch.”
Three similarly dressed and painted humans followed the first man up through the curtains and onto the stage. The audience screamed louder than they ever had before, and the human band began the concert with a song called ‘Detroit Rock City’.
“Humans are more fun than they seem.” Amen said, sounding happily surprised.
“Yeah,” Kita agreed. “But I’m still hungry.”
Everyone groaned as they realised they were back where they’d started. Then the woman pottered back their way.
“If you guys want to get some food a lot of the other guys have been going to the pizza place on the corner.”
The monsters looked at each other.
Ox was the first to ask what they were all wondering.
“What’s ‘pizza’?”

“Please sir, calm yourself a little and describe to me exactly what happened, you say there were five guys?”
“Y…yeah, one of them was, uh, a guh-guh-girl, I think. They were all dressed as…as…monsters or something.”
“Could you identify any of these monsters? Were they anything in particular?”
“I, I don’t know, I guess one of them looked like a uh, a mummy, two of them had horns and one was…..all the teeth…..”
“Ok, so these guys come into the order area and what happens?”
“They said, they said they wanted to know what pizza was, like they were acting like foreigners you know? So we thought, we thought they were in some kind of show or something and were just in character. Then we made them a pizza with…with….oh god I can’t even remember what we gave them, but it was just an ordinary pizza you know? Nothing weird in there, I’m sure the ingredients were fine we’d been using them all night….there was just no reason to….”
“Ok we’ve checked the ingredient station and can’t find anything immediately suspicious, we may have to call in forensics to check a few things though.”
“Yes…I understand….so…so they took this pizza, and they were all really into it I mean, at first they were looking at it like it was going to attack them, one of them put his face right up against it and sniffed at it and he said it smelled ok so they all looked round at what everyone else was doing.”
“Were the other patrons doing anything unusual?”
“No, they were just, picking up slices and eating them the same as any other night, anyway these guys they each took a slice and…..they bit into them at about the same time and then they got really quiet. I remember thinking ‘oh shit they got the wrong thing and now they’re going to try and return it’ but they….they….”
“They raided the restaurant, terrorized staff into creating no less than three hundred pizzas in the space of ten minutes and chased off the other patrons claiming the restaurant for themselves according to the witness statements. Oh yes and we have one more charge, apparently the one with all the teeth grabbed one of the female patrons who had become hysterical at this point, bent her down, kissed her passionately then dropped her onto the floor screaming ‘Fuck the police.’ Quite ambitious for show folk.”
“They weren’t normal, wherever they were from, they weren’t like anybody I’ve ever seen before.”
The policeman rolled his eyes. “Yeah sure, demons came from Hell just to teach you customer service. Let’s start from the beginning again…”
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby Miss-Elodia » Sun Jan 19, 2014 3:20 am

I finally found time to catch up with your story, and I'm not disappointed! I love it!
Count me in your fellow readers now :mrgreen:
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby tsark » Sun Jan 19, 2014 9:57 pm

Thank you Miss Elodia! :D It means so much to me that such creative folk like my story! XD I told Maddy and Kitawa earlier but I'll say it again, if anyone wants to see a specific monster next let me know! :D Otherwise I'll write as and when they come to me (If only I could make monsters come to me :roll: )
Hug and kiss for all my readers!!! :* :Snuggle:
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby tsark » Sun Feb 09, 2014 3:49 am

Moar! Only with lots and lost of swearing! :D Enary isn't my favourite monster so apologies to any fans for the bashing that may be found within, everyone else enjoy!

Awa calmly brushed at the surface of a nearby rock, then spread out a handkerchief and sat on it, demurely crossing her legs.
It made sense to keep her feet off the ground as it was covered in viscera and gore.
“Well yes you’re aim is fantastic, just wonderful, now if only you could improve your timing.” Amen griped as he surveyed the carnage of the battlefield.
Lordi rolled his eyes in frustration. “I told you, it’s set to go to the time when we can meet some great power. Obviously none of these guys are that powerful, if they were do you really think they would have all managed to die?”
The monsters surveyed the scene before them. Bodies of men, horses and the occasional elephant littered what had once been a meadow and now was a monument to the terror of war.
“What were these ones fighting over?” Kita asked.
“My guess would be land; they usually have trouble working out where they’re meant to stay.” Ox answered, having seen a few human conflicts while working with Androlus.
“Well that’s dumb, instead of sitting on it and eating like normal folk they’re all gonna end up under it…or eaten themselves.” Kita leaned to one side and surreptitiously slipped a disembodied arm under his cloak.
“What should we do then? I’m assuming we’d need to wait a little for this person to come. Shall we play I Spy?” Awa asked, ever the peacekeeper.
“You better be kidding.” Amen grumbled.
“20 questions?”
“I don’t think we’ll have time.” Ox said.
“Oh there’s always time for games.” Awa said, happily swinging her feet.
“No I mean we have company.” Ox replied, pointing at the sky where a herd of horses were racing down from the sky with a band of female riders.
Each horse looked like it could drag a cart with stone slabs instead of wheels, and appeared to be kicking up sparks where their hooves slammed the air they rode on.
On their backs were some of the scariest women the monsters had ever seen. And that was saying something.
Each of them had long, flowing blonde hair in a variety of styles, long flowing skirts, and armour that made it look as though they’d performed a panty raid on a Viking settlement.
The women spread out and began riding down to the dead men.
“What are they? Are they supposed to look like that?” Kita asked, moving a little closer to the others.
“They look like Valkyries.” Ox answered, watching the women unsheathing elegant swords and using them to cut at the already well lacerated bodies, releasing the souls within.
“Is it normal for them to look so…butch?” Amen asked. One of the nearest Valkyries, wearing a strange mask over her face, glowered at the group before turning to help the soul of a man built like a bear on steroids.
“Well Vikings are usually supposed to be pretty hefty I think….”
“Oh I didn’t mean the guys!”
The glowering turned up to an outright scowl. “Is there something we can do for you?” the Valkyrie asked, in the same tones a person would use when telling someone to bugger off.
“No thanks, we’re just…waiting for someone.” Lordi said which was mostly true.
“Feel free to wait somewhere else.” The Valkyrie returned to the task of removing the soul from the battlefield, made more difficult by the fact that he seemed to want to go back to his dismembered corpse.
“We’re not going to get much help here.” Amen drawled. “We should just cut our losses already.”
Lordi sighed. “We’re going to find the one we’re after, we just need to give them time.”
The monsters idly watched the Valkyrie lose her temper with the ghostly Viking, who was fruitlessly trying to paste his body parts back together; they hid smirks as she lost her temper and smacked him upside the back of his head.
“Are you sure it isn’t one of these ladies? The one over that way seems quite sweet, she’s hugging her man.”
The monsters looked over. Amen was the first to be honest. “Actually she’s wrestling him onto her horse…I think he’s crying.”
“Are they all so….firm?” Awa found it hard to talk badly about anyone, even when they were attempting to murder someone.
“I’ve heard they were harsh,” Ox continued. “But they are dealing with the dead warriors of huge battles. I guess that would be a lot of testosterone and very little ability to take orders to deal with.”
By now most of the Valkyries had left, the only ones left were the one who had glared at them and a few who were fixing the tack on their horses to ensure the warriors weren’t going to fall off.
“Can anyone else feel a rumbling?” Lordi asked, perturbed by the subtle vibrations under his feet.
“Kita! You ate less than an hour ago!” Amen snarled.
“It wasn’t me that time!”
“Well if it wasn’t you then wha…”
The monsters realised what was happening with mere seconds to spare.
Lordi grabbed hold of Kita and Amen and spread his wings, flapping hard to get into the air while Ox and Amen leapt to either side just as a huge sandworm erupted from the ground where they had just been standing.
“What the…?!” Was all the Valkyrie managed to say as the worm knocked her backwards and sent her horse (and the soul finally sat on it) galloping off towards the far off mountains at top speed.
“Mother fu…!!!” She began as her horse disappeared, stopping only as Amen grabbed her, lifted her over his shoulder like an infuriated sack of potatoes, and leapt away as the worm smashed it’s gaping mouth into the earth where she had been.
“Put me down this instant!!” She snarled, wriggling in the mummy’s grip and hitting whatever body part she could reach.
“Ow! Quit moving you crazy bitch, did you want to get eaten?”
“He’s not going to eat me before I SLAUGHTER that fat piece of shit!”
Amen thought for a second, then placed her back on her feet.
“Go nuts.” He said, before moving swiftly over to a cluster of rocks the others had regrouped on.
“Will she be alright out there?” Awa asked as the mummy scrambled up onto a high boulder.
“Am I supposed to care?”
“Oh don’t! She could get badly hurt out there.”
“So could we, doesn’t mean I have to risk my afterlife for some straw haired moose I just met.”
Amen was cut off as a small, uprooted plant smacked into the back of his head. “I heard that!” Came the Valkyrie’s cry.
The rumbling began again, and the monsters strove to keep their footing on the boulders as they shivered and shook.
“Form a circle facing outwards, we need to kick this asshole into the dirt before he can try anything new.” Lordi commanded. Weapons bristling, the monsters did as they were told. The Valkyrie eyed them but kept to her own strategy of holding her sword poised for battle one on one.
“It’s coming up again.” Awa cried, seeing the pebbles on the ground bouncing with the rumbling of the sandworm.
“Just cut the fucker up as soon as it gets close, Awa, use your voice when we get an opening ok? Hopefully it’ll go the same way as the toad.”
The monster worm reared up from the earth, scattering stones and plant matter around itself, showering the Valkyrie who had to throw her hands up to shield her face.
The worm lunged at the circled monsters and opened its mouth wide.
Lordi waited till the last minute then thrust his axe up and into the beast’s mouth, scraping against its palate.
As soon as it screeched and pulled back he roared “NOW!” and the monsters, as one, slammed their hands over their ears.
The Valkyrie followed suit just in time before Awa let out a screeching, wailing howl taught to her by her mother.
Her mother would have been just as surprised as Awa was when the beast lunged again, mouth open and aiming for Mr Lordi’s head.
The Valkyrie ran with her hands still clamped to her head and used her entire weight to shove Mr Lordi out of harm’s way. Awa was stunned into silence as the worm bit a huge chunk out of the rock, spraying her with shards as it vainly attempted to spit out the mouthful.
“It didn’t work!” She cried.
“Better not stick around to make a complaint.” Amen snapped, grabbing her by the hand and pulling her behind the other guys.
“Maybe it doesn’t use ears, do you think it can be cut at least?”
“Let’s find out.” Amen leapt into the air and landed on the very end of the worm’s blunt snout. It glared up at him as he swung his sword down onto its forehead.
The next second he was trying to keep his footing as the swords rebounded off the worms armour plated body. “Fu-ucki-ng th-i-ng is t-oo to-ugh!” He burbled, trying to calm the vibrations running up his arms while simultaneously holding on as best he could to the now rather annoyed worm.
“Fucker, it’s learning.” Lordi snapped. He was in a really bad mood now, not only had he been faced with yet another asshole monster, but he’d been shoved to the ground by a blonde woman and there was nothing sexual about it.
“Hold it!” The Valkyrie snapped, grabbing his arm to stop him rushing into the fray again.
He glared at her, red eyes flashing like the most terrifying rubies on Earth. To her credit, the female monster didn’t flinch but continued to speak.
“Your weapons are all based on the physical body, but it’s too strong, you’ll never be able to make a dent let alone hurt it.”
“Thank you madam obvious! And your point is?”
“My sword doesn’t cut physical bodies!”
Mr Lordi stilled as he realised what she was saying.
A Valkyrie was required to part the souls of dead warriors from their physical bodies. As such, they all but didn’t exist on the physical plane, but could cut anything in the spirit world.
“If you can keep it distracted, I can cut it loose. Without a soul its body will be useless.”
“Ok, look out for the opening, we’ll make it happen.”
The Valkyrie raced around the side of the worm, which ignored her. It was hoping for bigger prey.
Amen had been flung from its snout back onto the rock, and it was hoping to snap him up while he was stunned, unfortunately for the sandworm, Ox and Kita had other ideas. The two of them working to try and stab at the worm’s eyes and mouth while Awa tried to rouse the dizzy mummy.
“Hey over here you ugly fucker!” Lordi roared, throwing the biggest rock he could find at the beast’s snout. It snarled at him and bared its teeth, rage won over planning and it burrowed down into the dirt again to come at its latest assailant.
“Shouldn’t we be fighting that thing as a group?” Kita asked incredulously.
“Don’t worry, just get Amen up. And be ready to run if this doesn’t work!”
The worm was rearing up again, out of the earth like the world’s most terrifying oil strike.
Lordi took a second to check the area behind the worm, then glared into its sunken, evil looking eyes.
“Come at me you fucking slimy bastard!” He snarled. The worm seemed to grin, then it opened its mouth and sped forward to swallow him whole.
Behind the worm’s back, the Valkyrie leapt forward and swung her sword straight through the monster’s midsection, neatly slicing its soul away from its body.
Mr Lordi couldn’t help flinching a little as the ghostly shape of the worm continued its attack, passing through his body like a cold mist before turning into a small cloud that sank into the earth. The body stayed where it had been, frozen in attack mode.
“About bloody time!” The Valkyrie snapped, sheathing her sword once more and glaring at the body with her hands on her hips.
“Woah! You killed it!” Kita was impressed by one hit wonders.
“Well your big friend helped.” She replied, waving a hand lazily in Mr Lordi’s direction. “Whoops! Watch out!”
The monsters skipped out of the way as the worms body started to disintegrate. Sand breaking away in chunks and thudding into the ground, veins turned to tree roots and slithered out of the crumbling sand and dust billowed out in the afternoon breeze.
“Well that’s unusual….” The Valkyrie said, watching the body disappear.
“Hmmm, it is definitely odd…” Mr Lordi caught Kita’s eye as he spoke, his eyes asking for confirmation. His alien friend was thinking the same thing.
“Who cares about how it’s dead so long as it is!” Amen grumbled, he was still a little sore after his tumble from the worm’s muzzle.
“Oh yeah, you’re welcome by the way!” The Valkyrie said snippily.
“For what? You did fuck all till we softened it up for you.”
“And who saved your little friend from getting munched while you were playing hero!”
“Then after you did that who had to help you before you could swing your little sword eh?”
“That is exactly…”
“Why we need to have a little talk Enary.”
The monsters turned as one to see that the Valkyries had returned. One in particular was standing ahead of the others and glaring sternly at the one who had killed the sandworm.
“May I ask why you have allied yourself with males?”
“Ethel…I…they weren’t teamed up with me or anything…”
“I’ll say!” Amen muttered from behind her.
“You saw that monster, it attacked me too!”
“I noticed, I also saw how it terrified your horse and the soul you were SUPPOSED to be collecting ran away with it. If it wasn’t for Edna you would have been looking at a hefty reimbursement.”
“Oh come on! You can hardly blame me for that!”
“Just like we couldn’t blame you after that incident with Elise and the water bucket?”
“She was asking for it, she put a scorpion in the saddlebags.”
A voice from the back of the Valkyrie group cried, “lying whore!”
“Fuck you slut!”
“THAT IS ENOUGH! Enary you are hereby excommunicated from the Valkyrie horde. We will take care of your horse and the last soul taken.”
“But..I..they…”
“Goodbye Enary.”
With that, the Valkyries mounted their horses in one swift movement and left the scene, much quicker than they had arrived. The monsters tried very hard not to catch Enary’s eye and stayed quiet as possible.
Mr Lordi, as leader, knew it fell to him to perform the most dangerous tasks.
“You know you could always come with….”
“You.” She growled, turning to glare at the monsters with glimmering rage in her eyes. Kita surreptitiously sidled behind Awa.
“You got me into this mess, you have to bring your fucking battles here and drag me into it!”
“Woah woah now we didn’t bring that fight anywhere! That was us being followed by someone….or something, we’re not one hundred percent sure yet.”
“Oh well let me help you out there, show me where he is and you won’t be followed by him anymore, because I’m going to murder the bastard!”
Amen turned to Ox and said in a stage whisper, “Do you think she’s on her period or something?”
“How are you going to even find the guy without that horse of yours?” Lordi continued.
“I can get myself around!”
“In time to find that thing before it finds us again? It followed us from ancient Greece, do you think you could hitch hike that far?”
“Well…then…what do you suggest?”
“You’re not the only one who wants this thing put out of commission, join us. We can get you safely within range of that thing for you to get revenge and you can do half the work for us, it’s win win.”
Enary looked angrily at the monsters faces, apart from Amen, who was sullenly watching the scenery, the others were watching her with encouraging glances. Awa was even smiling at her, which was rare in the Valkyrie world.
After having an internal argument with herself, she finally looked up at Mr Lordi with a slightly less murderous expression.
“Alright fine, I’ll join you. But I want to reserve the right to leave at any point if you start annoying me!”
“Deal. Welcome to the team, every one of us wicked to the core!”
“Sounds delightful.”
Amen started to roll his eyes, then stopped in surprise as Enary started to come towards him, hand extended towards him and a sweet look on her face.
“I think we got off on the wrong foot, should we make it even?” She asked.
Amen blinked at her in surprise, then decided to be the bigger mummy. He took her hand in his and said “Sure.”
She smiled cutely at him, then in one swift movement, spun round and threw him over her shoulder and slammed his body into the dirt for the second time that day.
“NOW we’re even asshole!” She snarled, before tossing her hair and moving away.
“Isn’t she great?” Kita asked gleefully.
“I fucking hate her.” Amen wheezed.

A dark figure came to his master to report on the recent activity.
“Master, they are growing stronger. This time they almost killed me!”
“Don’t be a fool. It is merely the futile attempts of the damned, don’t let it bother you and as for the dying, well just suck it up will you?”
“But master, soon they’ll be strong enough to become a real threat…”
“And do you think I have been sitting here putting jigsaw puzzles together? I have the first three circles in my thrall already, that leaves six to join us and each is stronger than the last. Against that, what are a few mouldering warriors? Let them play their games and have a little hope, it’ll make their deaths so much more….satisfying.”
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby Miss-Elodia » Sun Feb 09, 2014 1:36 pm

I'm a huge fan of Enary, and this chapter kicked ass! I actually think you described her behavior quite nicely.
tsark wrote:“I think we got off on the wrong foot, should we make it even?” She asked.
Amen blinked at her in surprise, then decided to be the bigger mummy. He took her hand in his and said “Sure.”
She smiled cutely at him, then in one swift movement, spun round and threw him over her shoulder and slammed his body into the dirt for the second time that day.
“NOW we’re even asshole!” She snarled, before tossing her hair and moving away.
“Isn’t she great?” Kita asked gleefully.
“I fucking hate her.” Amen wheezed.

That was hilarious! My favorite monsters interacting together :mrgreen:
Keep going!
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby tsark » Mon Feb 10, 2014 1:28 am

Yaay! XD Thanks Miss Elodia! I worried I wouldn't do her justice, of course if those two fighting is fun I can arrange that! ;)
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby Kitawa » Thu Feb 13, 2014 6:43 pm

I had two chapters to catch up, now I've read the first one and us usual, I've been entertained. x) My favourite part of it was this:
“I swear to Ra I will murder you if you don’t stop that.”
“It was just a joke! Keep your bandages on!”

<3
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby Miss-Elodia » Thu Feb 13, 2014 9:57 pm

Kitawa wrote:I had two chapters to catch up, now I've read the first one and us usual, I've been entertained. x) My favourite part of it was this:
“I swear to Ra I will murder you if you don’t stop that.”
“It was just a joke! Keep your bandages on!”

<3

Awesome part it was indeed! I had mental images after this... :mrgreen:
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby Kitawa » Thu Feb 13, 2014 10:02 pm

Miss-Elodia wrote:Awesome part it was indeed! I had mental images after this... :mrgreen:


Me too!! :D I seriously considered drawing based on this!
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby Miss-Elodia » Thu Feb 13, 2014 10:51 pm

Kitawa wrote:
Miss-Elodia wrote:Awesome part it was indeed! I had mental images after this... :mrgreen:


Me too!! :D I seriously considered drawing based on this!

I'd love to see if you do it :wink:
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby tsark » Thu Feb 13, 2014 11:03 pm

Miss-Elodia wrote:
Kitawa wrote:
Miss-Elodia wrote:Awesome part it was indeed! I had mental images after this... :mrgreen:


Me too!! :D I seriously considered drawing based on this!

I'd love to see if you do it :wink:


Me too!! :D
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby Kitawa » Fri Feb 14, 2014 1:10 am

tsark wrote:Me too!! :D


LOL I know I shouldn't promise anything so I won't. But thinking of it got me curious, what kinda sword does Amen have?
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby tsark » Fri Feb 14, 2014 1:21 am

well I always considered it to be a large curved one like a scimitar, no idea why! lol, I'll leave you some links to pictures, that'll explain better than I can!

http://static4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb2 ... imitar.png

http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?sa=X&esp ... 55&ndsp=22

http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?start=18 ... 10&ndsp=22
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby Kitawa » Fri Feb 14, 2014 1:24 am

How funny! I honestly imagioned it like that too! :o
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby tsark » Fri Feb 14, 2014 3:49 pm

Great minds really DO think alike! XD
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby tsark » Mon Nov 03, 2014 2:17 am

New bit! Sorry it took so long :P long hiatus! to make up for it, have double the appearances! :D

Many years ago, a trench was gouged into the land causing a deep canyon to form. This wouldn’t have been unusual except for the fact that this particular canyon had been formed when a spaceship crash landed onto the planet.
The spaceship had been manned by two lifeforms, one of which was only barely a lifeform, and the other of which was a most unusual being. They had been in hypersleep during the crash, with only one of the two able to wake from the cryo-chamber.
This was why he had been able to see the portal opening in the recreation chamber. As he watched a large shape step forward into the room, he pulled his gun and went to investigate.
If only he’d stayed a little longer, he may not have been so keen to meet with the intruders.

“Oooh so many buttons!”
“Kita, I swear if you touch ANYTHING I will murder you before whatever you’ve unleashed has the chance to.”
“I wasn’t gonna! ...much.”
Lordi rolled his eyes at Kita and Amen’s bickering. At least the mummy was avoiding Enary now, before moving on they had attempted to find somewhere to make camp, it had ended up with the two of them screaming in each other’s faces, then drawing weapons, then actually attempting to murder each other and Kita when the mischievous alien shouted “Just fuck already!”
It was clear the two of them would never willingly work together, but both were keen to see the shape shifting enemy destroyed. Which allowed for an uneasy truce, Lordi had lived long enough to know there was no chance of anything more happening when two people hated each other that much.
“This place is weird, is it inside or are we in a room somewhere or what?” Ox didn’t like small spaces much, he much preferred to fight somewhere he could swing his hammer properly.
“I know where we are…I just can’t remember how I know it….” Kita said uncertainly.
“That helps me so much.”
“No seriously! This reminds me of some of the ships from home, only it reminds me specifically of something……”
“What, did you have a girl in the back of one of these?”
“Oh dozens of times, but it’s not that.”
“I’m so glad we’re travelling with you.” Enary drawled.
“Wait a minute, does this mean we just came to Kita’s old ship cause he’s one of the warriors we want?” Amen asked incredulously.
“That shouldn’t be what’s happening,” Lordi said, frowning at their surroundings. “I set the portals to take us to the NEXT warrior, not to revisit those we’ve seen before.”
“Yeah, plus my ship was WAY more awesome than this one.” Kita said. “I had pictures of some hot chicks from the Crab Nebula on the walls. This one looks way too organised.”
The group moved on to a large hall area, the ship’s walkways split into three corridors ahead of the monsters.
“What now? We can’t go down one hall at a time, It’ll take too long.” Amen said.
“So we split up, we’re all big boys and girls we can manage.” Lordi said. “I’ll go with you if you’re worried mummy man.”
“Oh now I feel so safe.”
“I’ll go with Ox!” Kita chirped, hoping for power to win over unknown dangers.
“That leaves the girls who’ll probably be the only ones doing the task at hand.” Enary drawled.
“Oh I’m sure it’ll be great fun!” Awa said with a happy smile. “We can take the left corridor.”
“We’ll take the right one then,” Lordi said. “Kita and Ox, you take centre and if no one finds anything we meet back here in twenty minutes. If you find something good, one of you stays while the other comes to find the others. If you find something bad….fight loud, we’ll come running.”
“Such a well thought out plan.” Enary said, rolling her eyes and wandering down the chosen corridor, Awa waving to the others as she followed.
“Bet we see them in ten seconds when they see a spider.” Amen said, before wandering down his own corridor with Lordi.
“Don’t worry,” Kita said, turning to Ox. “If we see any huge spiders, I’ll eat them before you get scared.”
“You’re a good friend.” Ox replied with a dry tone.
“I do what I can.”

A clawed hand tapped at a console, at head height for a certain breed of creature, a monitor it up and displayed a sketch of the ship’s interior. Six dots flashed along part of the map, then split into three double dots.
Two were heading for a dead end, two were aiming for the sleeping quarters and two were heading straight towards the owner of the hand. The creature cocked his gun, then headed out.


“So how did you get stuck with this idiot parade then?” Enary asked, idly peering out of windows at darkness studded by flashing lights and the occasional flash of silver.
“Oh well the boys were very sweet, they came all the way out to my home to see if I’d like to join them on their adventures and then when the giant toad attacked they leaped to my defence immediately which was so kind of them!”
Enary gave her a strange look. “Uh huh…. a giant toad?”
“Oh yes, you remember when we mentioned that there was something following us?”
“Yes…”
“Well it turns out it’s a shapeshifter too.”
“…fair enough, how did you guys destroy it in the end?”
“I screamed at it until its head exploded.”
Enary was silent for a moment.
“You know Awa we don’t hang out enough, when we get back we should organise a girl’s night out for once a week or something.”
“Oh that’d be lovely! You know I often thought that…”
Awa was cut off as a sharp noise from behind them made the women spin round in surprise.

Kita and Ox were making steady progress, which was good for the mission but bad for Ox’s patience. The further on they walked the more Kita was babbling, each item on the ship seemed to require discussion on the alien’s part.
“I never knew there were other races that used these materials, I mean I’ve seen other stuff here and there like those idiots who crashlanded at area 51 but seriously, that crap was like tinfoil compared to this. This is high grade stuff! And have you seen these portholes? That’s some quality engineering there. Strong as a forcefield but it won’t block any light coming through. Oooh and lookit that! There’s a whole navigation system complete with null matter engine! I haven’t seen those since I was home….actually there’s a lot of stuff here I haven’t seen since I was home….”
Silence began to filter through the hallway around the two monsters. Ox knew he was ruining his only chance to let his ears get a rest but he had a niggling feeling he should really ask the question.
“Why does this whole place remind you of home? You feeling nostalgic or something?”
“No it’s more like…..you know when you start to think of something, but it’s so unlikely that you don’t want to say it?”
“……no.”
“Whatever, you lived in a damn maze all your life, you’re practically a hermit.”
“Well screw you t…”
Ox was cut off as he heard a loud cry nearby.

Unlike their cohorts, Amen and Mr Lordi were trying to be proactive about their search, they inspected each doorway they passed, ensuring it was completely locked before moving on down the hallway. Amen had tried to pick one of the locks, but was quickly dissuaded when a beeping sound began and his lockpicks were melted in his hands.
“Do you smell anything ahead?” The mummy asked. Having half your nose rotted away didn’t give you the best sense of smell, so he relied on others for moments like this.
“Nothing dangerous nearby so far as I can tell.” Mr Lordi said, sniffing. “But there is something…almost familiar, but not.”
“Now you’re sounding like that idiot Kita. Next you’ll be telling me how hungry you are.”
Mr Lordi snorted. “We went to an all you can eat restaurant before we found Ox, the humans running the place were crying and begging us to leave after an hour.”
Amen chuckled quietly. “He’s definitely one of a kind!”
A loud cry roused the male monsters from their search. “That sounded like Kita…” Mr Lordi growled, before leaping back the way they had come.

It didn’t take long for the searchers to meet back up. “You heard it too?” Mr Lordi demanded when he saw the girls.
“Yes, what was that?” Enary snapped, pulling her sword from its sheath in a smooth motion.
“It may have been Kita…”
“May have been?” Amen snarled, gripping his own swords. “I thought you said it WAS Kita?”
“I said it sounded like him but… we should hurry, they went this way!”
The others gave chase as best they could down the final corridor.
Mr Lordi leapt into the large room at the end of the corridor where voices were raised, axe at the ready, the lord of monsters snarled a challenge…a challenge that died on his lips as he saw Mr Ox standing perplexed in a corner while in the middle of the room Kita…..appeared to be trying to kiss a similar looking alien that was snarling at him to get the hell off before he got a laser to the face.
The others rushed in and immediately became just as confused.
“G-Stealer?” Mr Lordi said.
“Oh it’s you,” the Kita-esque alien said. “Would you mind reining him in? I really didn’t need a second bath this year.”

After dragging Kita off of the newly discovered G-Stealer, the monsters were led to a large table where they could have a proper introduction.
“Kita and I are family…unfortunately.” He began.
“Yay!” Kita cheered, raising his fists in innocent glee.
“But we were chased throughout the galaxy by a police force from one of the planets we may have….erm…annoyed.”
“We killed the entire royal family.” Kita interrupted happily.
“Yes that, anyway. We managed to get away from the planet, but not without a few followers. The inhabitants had been building a cyborg army with some off-world creatures they’d captured in the past.”
“One of them looked like a squid, he didn’t taste good.”
“Anyway, we managed to get down to Earth via a dimensional wormhole, but we didn’t realise we’d dropped down straight to a secondary dimension known as Hell.”
“Where Mr L was chilling!”
“Oh I remember that,” Mr Lordi said. “That was shortly before the coup down there, you were having trouble with a couple of particularly nasty ones.”
“That’s them.” G Stealer continued. “Mr Lordi and Kita managed to outright destroy one of them and I got into the wiring of the last one, we turned off his control chip and it turned out he was a pretty decent guy.”
“Aside from being essentially a walking corpse”
“That too. We all three decided to stick around and help Mr Lordi get a decent spot in Hell as thanks for his help. After a pretty short battle with the demon running the place, me and Magnum chose to carry on our journey together while Kita chose to stay in Hell.”
“Mr Lordi said I could eat as many people as I liked!”
“And with Magnum’s help I went back to put forth my own views on undead cyborgs.”
“So the planet’s destroyed?” Mr Lordi asked.
“Worse than an iphone in a microwave. Unfortunately My new friend was damaged during the fight, he’s in the medbay now, something’s up with his mechanical side which is screwing with his ability to keep his organic side going, so we put him into a kind of standby mode till we could work out what to do.”
“If it’s corpses walking around I might be able to lend a hand.” Amen said, “though I’ll be the first to admit I don’t know the first thing about technology.”
“You deal with the necromancy and I’ll take care of the tech.” G Stealer replied.

In a separate room, attached to various life-support functions of the ship’s omni-doc, a body lay on a table apparently dead. Only a faint whirring indicated any form of life.
A thin wisp of smoke wafted through the air vent into the sickbay. Moving like a snake, it drifted to the body on the table and moved over the mechanical attachments that covered the humanoid body.
A few minutes later, a faint snickering could be heard as the smoke disappeared, and a blue screen on the face mask lit up brightly.

“So then I said, oatmeal? Are you crazy? Then we killed him with his own sceptre.”
“Huh, yeah I guess I can see why that would be a valid response. The cyborgs just in here.” G Stealer pointed out.
“Are you sure? Is he in a back room or something?” Amen asked, looking around.
“Wha…? No he should be… he was right here.”
“Did he get better and wander off?”
“He was on life support, he shouldn’t have been able to keep his internal organs functioning without help. Maybe one of your friends moved him?”
“Hey, we’re monsters but we’re not kidnappers, not unless we really like whoever we’re stealing of course.”
“Fair enough, I just wish I…”
The conversation was cut short as a blast of laser fire hit the ground between the mummy and the alien.
“Halt, resistance will result in termination.” A robotic voice called from the shadows of the room.
“Couldn’t possibly be moving huh?” Amen snarled as he pulled out his swords. “Attached to life support? What kind of a damn ship are you running?”
“I don’t know how he’s up,” G Stealer said, pulling out his own gun. “But that’s not the worst of it.”
The two monsters dove for cover as another hail of gunfire blasted towards them.
“What’s worse than him trying to shoot us?”
“He’s reverted back to his old programming, everything we did to snap him out of it has been wiped from his short term memory, we need to jolt it back in there somehow.” G Stealer raced beneath one of the medical beds and aimed a blast at the ceiling where the shadows were heaviest.
Amen followed his lead and hid as his eyes roved the dark room, searching for their tormentor.
“What would jolt him out of it? A blast from your gun?” Another laser beam landed near Amen’s hand. “Chopping his fucking head off? I’d prefer that one!”
“No! I’ve got it, get Kita.” G Stealer shot at a flash of movement at the end of the medbay. A small cleaning droid fell smoking to one side as another shot blasted from the opposite corner of the room.
“What’s he going to do that you aren’t?”
“Just trust me! I know what I’m doing, here I’ll cover you.”
G Stealer leapt forward without another word, firing wildly at the source of the oppressive gunfire.
Not waiting to argue further, Amen raced for the door, ducking his head to avoid further shots and racing as fast as his bound legs would let him.

Awa and Enary watched as Mr Ox carefully picked a button on the large panel in front of him and presses it in a certain manner.
A sad hissing noise sounded from somewhere nearby and a small, dead christmas tree rose up from the floor.
“I still think you should ask one of the aliens which one is the button for food.” Enary drawled.
“Hey, I’m the guy I can work out the technical stuff, just…just give me a minute.”
Ox peered at the range of buttons once more as Awa and Enary exchanged a look. When he gave a triumphant “Aha!” and pressed another button, no one was surprised to see a small shower of rubber balls tip onto the floor.
Amen slid into the room and got as far as “Have you seen…” Before his feet slid out from under him and he crashed to the floor in a heap.
“Good work Ox!” Enary cheered.
“You ok man?” Ox called as Amen regained his footing.
“Yeah I’m, I’m ok. Where’s Kita?”
“He’s with Mr L on the bridge, like two rooms that way I think.”
“Oh great, fucking marvellous.” Amen stepped carefully around the balls on the floor then raced off again.
Mr Ox returned to the panel and grinned. “Hey this one looks like a turkey! That HAS to be the right one.”
Enary covered Awa’s eyes as a hologram of a naked woman started dancing on the table in front of them. “…or not.”

“Nothing seems to have changed since we were last here.” Mr Lordi commented to his friend.
“It hasn’t! Look he even kept the chew toy I used to have when I was a tiny little larva.” Kita said, holding up what looked suspiciously like a human skeleton.
“Adorable. So do you think you’d be able to fix your cyborg friend? We could always use more recruits with this…”
Mr Lordi was cut off as a limping Amen wheezed his way onto the bridge and gasped at them “Dead robot guy….alive…shooting….big guns….Kita go to medbay…..ow…cramp!”
“You better get down there!” Mr Lordi said.
“Hurry….long way….lots of shooting….”
“Oh don’t worry man I’ll just take the elevator.” Kita replied, pressing a button and stepping neatly into a small cupboard shaped alcove in the wall which whisked him quickly away.
“You ok?”Mr Lordi asked.
“…..gonna die….or kill someone….” Amen replied, before flopping down onto a nearby chair.

Kita rushed into the medbay where he saw G Stealer in a chokehold courtesy of the cyborg Magnum.
“Dude! Mr M! Cool it, it’s me! G and I we’re your buddies remember? We spent a whole night playing strip poker and it got super awkward?”
Magnum appeared not to hear Kita at first, but as the alien babbled on his head rose. The intensity of the grip he had on G Stealer’s neck loosened as his processor whirred. Then something went click.
“Oh gods no…..not YOU!” Magnum released the alien with a crash.
“Yeah me! Remember how much fun we had? Come on give your old friend a hug.” Kita moved forward with both arms outstretched.
“I will perform literally any required action if you do not approach my proximity any further!” Magnum snapped in his robotic drone, picking up a gasping G Stealer and holding him between Kita and the cyborg as a living (sort of) shield.
Mr Lordi and Amen reached the medbay with their weapons drawn.
“It’s cool guys we got his memory back!” Kita said happily.
“Please help me!” Magnum cried, still clutching G Stealer for dear life.
“I think we can persuade him to join your cause.” G Stealer said. “All we have to do is work out some form of Kita-proofing therapy and he’ll be fine.”
“The poor bastard.” Amen said.
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby Miss-Elodia » Tue Nov 04, 2014 12:29 am

Took me a little while to read everything. Still awesome! :mrgreen:
Keeping Markus in my cellar since 2015.
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby tsark » Tue Nov 04, 2014 2:24 am

thank you! :oops: :mrgreen:
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Re: Tsark's fanfic o' doooom

Postby Miss-Elodia » Tue Nov 04, 2014 2:42 am

You're welcome! :D I died of laughter at the “Just fuck already!” xD
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